This morning, I found myself awake way too early, grappling with that familiar feeling: a tightness in my chest and a nagging sense that something was off despite the peacefulness of the day. My mind buzzed with thoughts, preventing me from drifting back to sleep. The reason behind my unrest? My 8-year-old son wasn’t sneaking into my room to steal my covers, nor was his older sister trying to negotiate her way into using electronics before breakfast. While I usually find these morning antics somewhat annoying—particularly before I’ve had my coffee—I was acutely aware of how much I missed my children, who were spending a few nights at their father’s house.
And you know what? I’m surprisingly happy about missing them.
Co-Parenting and the Journey of Separation
When my ex and I decided to part ways, we didn’t need to debate custody arrangements. Long before our children arrived, we had agreed to an equal share of parenting responsibilities in the event of a divorce. Back in those earlier, chaotic days filled with an infant and a toddler, we joked about a clause in our 50-50 plan: “If one of us leaves, that person has to take the kids.”
As we transitioned to separation, we both cherished our time with the kids and also welcomed the opportunity for breaks—time to recharge, socialize, and perhaps even explore dating again. We loved our family moments, but we also relished quiet evenings where we could enjoy cheese and crackers in front of the TV instead of juggling family dinners. Dividing parenting time felt like the fairest solution.
Facing My Fears
Initially, I was concerned that I would find more joy in my alone time and maybe even feel resentful when the kids returned. I feared that I would grow accustomed to the peace and solitude, and that the stresses leading to our separation had compromised my ability to parent effectively. I worried I might not miss them when they were away.
Looking back, I realize I judged myself too harshly. The separation process is hardly the best time to assess your feelings about parenting long-term. The months surrounding our decision were among the most stressful of my life. As we navigated co-parenting and shared living spaces, I often felt overwhelmed. Evenings spent in friends’ guest rooms felt like a reprieve from the responsibilities that weighed heavily on me. One friend remarked, “You have many safe places to stay, but you don’t have a safe place to live.” That really resonated with me.
Finding Solace in Solitude
During that tumultuous time, my kids were just as demanding as ever, which made it even harder for me to keep my emotional balance. I found solace in the fleeting moments of solitude, despite the alienation from my family. With all the packing and unpacking, I barely had a moment to breathe. My doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication, which I reserved for particularly challenging days.
Thankfully, that transitional phase is now behind us. My ex found a new place, and we divided our belongings. When his moving truck left, I felt a mix of relief and anxiety. My children began to navigate between the “old” house and their new one. In their absence, I found myself immersed in projects around the house—painting, organizing, and creating a space that felt welcoming. When they returned, I was calmer and more present, able to respond to them instead of merely reacting.
The Subtle Pangs of Missing Them
When they left to stay at their dad’s, I missed them—not in a dramatic, heart-wrenching way, but rather with a subtle pang at drop-off or when I noticed their toys sitting untouched. It’s still a bit odd not knowing what they’re having for dinner or their weekend plans. By the fourth day without them, I’d start to feel restless.
So, when I first recognized that I missed them, I felt a sense of relief wash over me. I wasn’t a selfish mother; I was a woman recovering from a challenging year, a parent deeply connected to her children. I’m committed to creating a nurturing environment for them, even if they only spend half their time with me. The silver lining is that they always come back.
Embracing My Time Alone
While they’re away, I keep busy. Some evenings, I indulge in simple dinners of cheese and crackers with a glass of wine while catching up on my shows. I work, socialize, exercise, and even contemplate dating. I genuinely enjoy these moments, and yet, I still miss my kids. And you know what? I’m happy about that.
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Conclusion
In summary, missing my kids while appreciating my time alone is a balance I’m learning to navigate. With each absence, I’m reminded of my love for them—something that ultimately enriches our time together.