One of the first lessons I absorbed growing up was the importance of saying “please” and “thank you.” As a diligent student in Catholic school, I made it a point never to overlook this courtesy. Now, expressing gratitude has become second nature to me, often leading me to end emails with a cheerful “thanks!”—complete with an exclamation point—even in situations where it might not be necessary.
Since my daughter, Mia, joined us seven months ago, my gratitude for my husband, Jake, has intensified. I find myself thanking him for both routine and extraordinary parenting tasks: changing diapers, picking Mia up from daycare, and managing feedings—basically all the thankless jobs. I hope these acknowledgments communicate my appreciation for him not assuming that I should shoulder all responsibilities.
While I know Jake values my contributions as a parent, his thanks seem less frequent. This could be because, on some level, he perceives my actions as simply fulfilling my maternal role. Our traditional roles are ingrained; he’s the protector, and I’m the nurturer, or so the narrative goes.
Jake is what many would call an “involved” dad, a term I find frustrating. It often comes loaded with praise from friends and strangers when fathers perform everyday tasks that don’t typically earn applause for mothers.
Picture this: while enjoying dinner at a bustling Italian restaurant, a baby starts crying. Jake pulls out a bottle from Mia’s diaper bag and begins to feed her, while I savor my pasta. An onlooker chimes in, “You’re so lucky he’s such an involved dad! I always had to be the one to feed the baby.” To which I reply, “Thanks.”
If this scene had featured me feeding Mia, no one would have batted an eye; it’s simply what mothers do. But when Jake steps in, he receives superhero status!
It’s high time we elevate our expectations of fathers. Dads shouldn’t just be spectators until it’s time for the kids to play sports. They should be equal partners, ready to share responsibilities without requiring excessive praise.
Some might argue that true equality in parenting is impossible, especially when it comes to breastfeeding. This is a valid point if one chooses to breastfeed. However, due to Mia’s early arrival and my struggles with milk production, Jake has been feeding her since her days in the NICU.
Of course, there are many other ways dads can contribute aside from feeding. Some mothers may feel that dads won’t do certain tasks as well. But how will they improve without a chance to try?
The increasing number of stay-at-home dads gives me hope that perspectives are shifting. Both men and women can find their place in the home. The next step is supporting the transition back to the workplace and making parental leave accessible for everyone.
I dream of a future where, by the time Mia becomes a mother, no one will think to thank her partner for simply feeding their child—especially not me.
For more insights on parenting and family life, check out our related posts, like this one on home insemination, which offers valuable tips and resources. If you’re considering starting a family, Make a Mom provides essential information on home insemination kits. And for those navigating pregnancy, UCSF’s fertility insurance FAQs is an excellent resource.
In summary, as we shift our perspectives on parenting roles, let’s aim for a future where recognition for shared responsibilities is the norm, not the exception.