The Expectant Mother’s Handbook for OB Visits

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Pregnancy can be a thrilling yet overwhelming journey, especially when it comes to routine OB appointments. If you’re new to this whole experience, let’s break down what those monthly visits generally entail. Spoiler alert: they’re not exactly edge-of-your-seat entertainment.

1. Upon arrival, you’ll kick things off by checking in and answering a barrage of questions about your insurance and address—yes, the same address you’ve had for over a decade.
2. Next, you’ll settle into a chair that feels like it’s been designed for medieval torture. Get comfy; you might be here for a while!
3. Try your best to avoid eye contact with the other patients, particularly the chatty grandma who insists on discussing the weather or her latest knitting project.
4. Pretend to be fascinated by an ancient issue of Golf Digest or a worn-out Good Housekeeping from 2014. You might find some hidden gems in those pages—or not.
5. Play a mental game of “Who’s Pregnant?” as you observe the waiting room. That woman in the corner? Total enigma.
6. Feel a wave of sympathy for the mom struggling to keep her four kids entertained in the waiting area.
7. Tune in to the loud conversation happening on speakerphone, where someone is clearly oblivious to the “No Cell Phones” sign. Drama alert!
8. Oh look, a sweet couple here for their first appointment! Enjoy the ride, sir, as your partner navigates the joys of a speculum. (Side note: unless it’s a major ultrasound, let your partner go solo next time!)
9. Regret not packing a snack as your stomach begins to grumble.
10. Consider a heist on the woman with the Luna Bar but quickly dismiss the idea when you realize it’s the coconut flavor. Gross.
11. Whip out your smartphone because, let’s face it, boredom has officially set in. Who cares about the “No Cell Phones” sign?
12. Listen to the new patient loudly complain about the wait. Sweetie, you haven’t even had time to peruse Golf Digest yet!
13. Finally, your name is called! Wait, why are you excited about an exam involving a tube of lubricant?
14. Step on the scale and try not to cry.
15. Feel the nurse’s disapproving gaze as she takes your blood pressure.
16. Attempt to pee into a cup that’s smaller than a shot glass. Good luck hitting your target!
17. Recite your due date and last menstrual cycle for the fifth time that day.
18. Prepare for the Doppler as you pull up your shirt and lower your pants. Panic momentarily until the nurse finds the heartbeat. Now, if only you could get that sticky gel off your belly!
19. Cross your fingers this appointment doesn’t require an exam.
20. Oh no, here we go…
21. Undress in a room that’s either freezing cold or hot enough to bake cookies.
22. Perch on a crinkly sheet on the exam table, wishing you could vanish while reading the birth control posters for entertainment.
23. Wait.
24. And wait some more.
25. Scream internally from the frustration of waiting.
26. A knock on the door! Time to get this show on the road!
27. Surprise! An intern younger than you walks in. Awkward.
28. Try to focus on the calming nature scene on the ceiling while the doctor examines you. Fingers crossed, no spotting afterward!
29. Questions? What were your questions again? Promise to write them down next time—if you remember.
30. Blood work? Sure, just a minor gallon of your life force.
31. Schedule your next appointment with the receptionist, who has only one time slot left for the next eternity.
32. Leave feeling like you need a shower and maybe an iron supplement. Oh, and hydrate!
33. Swing by Burger King for onion rings—hey, they’re vegetables, right?
34. Make a mental note to pack a book and a snack for next time. Spoiler: you’ll forget.
35. Rinse and repeat next month!

Exciting, isn’t it? Some appointments might even throw in additional delights like diabetes testing or anxiety-inducing screenings. And while you might get to see an ultrasound, unless it’s for something significant, don’t hold your breath. But hey, you’re going to be a mom, and that’s truly incredible!

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Summary

This guide outlines what new moms can expect during routine OB appointments, from the check-in process to the examination itself, all while maintaining a light-hearted and relatable tone.