Recently, I found myself caught in a frustrating traffic jam on my way to drop off my son at preschool. Cars were lined up along the main road, and police were redirecting traffic elsewhere. My initial reaction to the flashing lights was irritation; I thought, “Great! Now my son will be late, and I’ll be late for work too.” I was simply annoyed.
After I dropped him off, I apologized to his teacher and explained the delay. She informed me that there had been a devastating house fire down the road, leaving nothing but ashes behind. At that moment, my stomach dropped. My focus shifted from my inconvenience—now seeming trivial—to the family who had lost everything. I found myself wondering: Did they escape unharmed? Do they have a place to go? How could I have been so selfish? Until that moment, I’d only considered how the traffic jam affected me. Instead of feeling empathy, I had reacted with frustration and anger. That’s when it dawned on me: My son is like a traffic jam.
My son has ADHD and experiences at least one significant meltdown daily. Triggers can range from frustration with homework to mishaps during playtime or simply not wanting to sit still in a restaurant. For a child with ADHD, meltdowns are often their way of navigating overwhelming emotions.
In the past, my response to his meltdowns was anger. I would yell, “Stop it! You’re too old for tantrums!” If we were in public and one occurred, I would feel humiliated by the disapproving glares from other parents, who looked at us with judgment. I would attempt to distract him with games on my phone, but sometimes that worked, and sometimes it didn’t. Clearly, I was approaching it the wrong way.
Rather than recognizing my son’s emotions during these episodes, I was trying to suppress them. I had to remind myself that I don’t feel happy all the time, so why would I expect my child to? It’s normal to experience sadness, frustration, and anger, and for those with ADHD, processing these feelings can be even more challenging. Adults often cope by talking things out or engaging in activities like exercising or reading. Children, however, are still learning to self-soothe. Many can’t even identify the emotions they’re feeling, leading to even more frustration when asked, “What’s wrong?”
Understanding this has changed how I respond to my son’s meltdowns. Instead of trying to hide his feelings, I now acknowledge them and help him find a constructive way to address them. When I remain calm, he is more likely to follow suit.
However, it’s a different story when others are around. In public, onlookers may view my son’s meltdown as a traffic jam. They become annoyed or even angry. Imagine a couple enjoying a quiet dinner; if my son begins to scream out of frustration while waiting for food, their evening is suddenly disrupted. They may glare at us, judging my son and me for “not controlling the situation.”
Just as I failed to consider the cause of the traffic jam, they often overlook what’s happening in my son’s life. If they understood the underlying reasons for his outburst, they might respond with compassion rather than irritation.
As a parent of a child with special needs, I urge everyone to resist the urge to judge. Please don’t treat special needs children like a traffic jam. There’s often much more beneath the surface, and unless you know the child personally, you may not grasp what they’re experiencing. Just as there’s a reason for a traffic jam, there is usually a cause for a meltdown. Instead of reacting with annoyance, practice empathy. It will mean the world to both the child and their parents.
If you know the parents personally and feel compelled to offer advice, it’s best to hold back. Only they truly understand what works for their child. Support is always welcomed, but it should be offered on their terms.
Now that you have insight into the experiences of special needs children and their families, consider this the next time you encounter a metaphorical or literal traffic jam. Rather than honking your horn or grumbling in frustration, reflect on the potential reasons for the disruption. Show compassion, and you might just find that taking a moment to appreciate your surroundings—like tuning into a great song—can make all the difference. Soon enough, traffic will flow smoothly once again.
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Summary
Children with special needs, particularly those with ADHD, often experience intense emotional meltdowns that can resemble traffic jams—triggered by various frustrations and overwhelming sensations. As parents, understanding and acknowledging these emotions rather than suppressing them is crucial. Additionally, it’s important for the public to cultivate empathy towards special needs children and their families, recognizing that there is often more to the situation than meets the eye.