Our intimate life had hit a rough patch. Admitting this isn’t easy—especially in a public forum—but it’s true. The frequency of our closeness was dwindling, which was impacting both our relationship and our family dynamics.
Between battling the fatigue of my chronic illness and navigating the challenges of raising two energetic toddlers, my partner, Jake, and I found ourselves in a rut. The stiffness from my rheumatoid arthritis and the early wake-up calls from our kids rendered morning intimacy nearly impossible. Each day, I’d vow to conserve some energy for Jake in the evening, only to find chaos erupting when our youngest decided to demolish the eldest’s carefully constructed train tracks. By the time Jake returned from work and we got the kids settled, I was often too drained to do anything more than zone out in front of the TV. We both knew we needed a change.
This realization led to a candid discussion about scheduling intimacy. Initially, the idea felt unappealing to us. It sounded contrived and devoid of romance. Jake worried it might turn into yet another item on my endless to-do list. But with our libidos clearly out of sync and precious little alone time, we agreed to give it a shot.
As we pondered which night would be best for our designated time, we discovered that our lives were lacking more than just sexual intimacy. The simple acts of touching, kissing, and having meaningful conversations had faded away. We’d become so consumed by our children’s needs that we had neglected our relationship for far too long.
As a stay-at-home mom dealing with chronic fatigue, I often felt overwhelmed by the daily grind—diaper changes, laundry, shopping, and cooking. The constant effort to encourage healthy eating in our eldest and managing doctor’s appointments for both kids and myself left me little room for romance. It was no wonder that I struggled to feel frisky!
After reflecting on these challenges, we had a breakthrough: what if we dedicated one night each week to focus on each other’s unmet needs? Jake wanted physical intimacy, while I craved some time to unwind. We decided that on our chosen night, he would take charge of the kids and dinner, allowing me to relax and prepare for some quality time together. We picked a night and committed to trying this for a month.
Fast forward several months, and this strategy has worked wonders for us. Most weeks, having that little bit of time to decompress is all I need to rekindle my desire. Importantly, Jake isn’t doing this with expectations; he genuinely wants me to have that time, and I aim to reserve enough energy to be there for him too.
Of course, not every week is perfect. Sometimes the kids are too rambunctious, and other times my exhaustion gets the better of me. But that’s perfectly alright. What counts is our commitment to meeting each other’s needs, which has even inspired us to connect on unscheduled days as well.
A wise person once told me that a family resembles a triangle, with three corners: the children, the couple, and the individual. It’s easy to overlook the couple’s needs when focused solely on the kids, but neglecting this balance can tip the entire structure. Surprisingly, scheduling intimacy has helped us ensure that all three aspects of our family receive the attention they deserve.
If you’re looking for more information on balancing family life, check out our other blog posts, including this one. For those navigating their own fertility journeys, Make a Mom is an excellent resource, and the ACOG offers valuable insights into treating infertility.
Summary
Scheduling intimacy can be a game-changer for couples, especially when life gets busy with parenting and other responsibilities. By committing to a dedicated night for intimacy, couples can rekindle their connection and ensure that both partners’ needs are met. Balancing the needs of the couple, the kids, and individual well-being is crucial for a harmonious family life.