When you have your first child, it’s like wrapping them in bubble wrap—figuratively, of course. In reality, if we had bubble wrap around, it would just get popped, turning safety into a choking hazard. But honestly, popping bubble wrap is quite the thrill!
Anyway, back to the firstborn. This child gets all the attention, all the care, and, in my case, all the chaos of sibling rivalry. I recall the time I dove across the room to save my eldest from swallowing a dangerous piece of paper towel—like I was a secret service agent protecting a VIP. I would literally pry his tiny mouth open with my hands, risking injury, just to prevent him from consuming what I considered a toxic substance.
Fast forward to my youngest, who was happily gnawing on a paper towel. I just shrugged and thought, “I’ll deal with that later.” The situation felt more like a code yellow than a full-blown emergency. As I moved lazily from the sink to my son, I even pondered whether it was worth risking a few bite marks on my pinky to retrieve the paper. Let him munch on it; I had dishes to wash!
What’s more alarming than my slow response to the paper towel situation? Admitting that I occasionally wash dishes. I once bragged to my partner that I was the cool parent, too busy to bother with chores, while they handled the house. Spoiler: that didn’t go over well.
So there I was, the “cool dad” scrubbing dishes while my son chewed on a roll of Bounty’s finest. It’s not that I don’t care—it’s just that my anxiety levels for my youngest aren’t as high as they were for his brothers.
After two years of parenting, it’s become clear: kids are going to eat dirt, grass, and all sorts of random objects. I even went through a phase where I swore my son was part mole-rat, devouring dirt every time we stepped outside. It’s always a surprise when changing a diaper reveals something resembling a sandy beach instead of a regular mess.
Kids tend to grow out of that phase of needing to taste everything. Eventually, they stop using their mouths as exploratory tools. But let’s face it: babies will always try to chew on whatever they can find. As long as you keep the hazardous stuff out of reach, like rat poison, they’re usually safe. And I say “usually” because there are moments that induce panic.
There was that one time my kids decided to sip on some syrup—not Aunt Jemima, mind you. They found the baby Benadryl in the diaper bag and managed to access it, sharing sips of the sweet concoction among themselves before we rushed to intervene. We ended up at the hospital, watching our kids act loopy from the allergy meds. Lesson learned, and the baby bag has since been relocated out of reach.
Parenting is all about growing alongside your children—not just physically (hello, parent weight!) but also mentally and emotionally. We learn to spot real threats, like a piece of paper towel versus something genuinely harmful. I’m not suggesting we let our kids turn into paper-eating machines—after all, paper products aren’t cheap, and who can afford to fund that diet? Instead, there are more pressing matters, like whether that baby bag flatters my figure.
I know someone out there will chime in about how bad it is for kids to eat paper towels while simultaneously serving their child hot dogs. And that’s perfectly fine—hot dogs are a quick and tasty meal! (In fact, if you’re out of bread, wrapping the hot dog in a paper towel works just fine.)
As parents, we sometimes need to let our kids learn through trial and error (or taste)! The kid who eats sticks certainly won’t be picky about dinner. So, after years of learning from my experiences, I say, “Let them snack on paper towels.”
If you’re looking for more insights into home insemination, check out this resource. For those curious about ways to boost fertility, Make A Mom is a great authority on the topic. And for excellent pregnancy resources, Hopkins Medicine offers valuable information about fertility and IVF options.
In summary, parenting is a wild ride filled with unexpected moments. Embracing the chaos, from paper towel snacks to dirt-eating phases, is all part of the journey!