It’s perplexing how the fashion industry seems to have forgotten its 2,000-year legacy of creating clothing primarily for the purpose of, you know, actually dressing people. Despite the explosion of choices in styles, cuts, and washes, it’s a cruel irony that finding a pair of jeans that fits properly feels more elusive than ever.
Step into any clothing store, and prepare for a whirlwind of options: skinny, super skinny, ultra skinny, and all manner of variations that could leave you gasping for breath. And that’s just scratching the surface. You’ll also encounter straight jeans, curvy fits, boyfriend jeans—though one must discern between the casual boyfriend jeans and the trendy metrosexual boyfriend jeans, which is the elusive pair I’m really after.
While I’ve struggled to find my ideal metrosexual boyfriend in denim form, other options are plentiful. Distressed, faded, dark wash, and my personal favorite, worn crystal—they’re all out there. Then comes the rise factor: mid-rise, low-rise, ultra low-rise, and the perplexing half-peeled-off-rise. But where, I ask, is the high-rise? Where are the jeans designed to cover that bit of flab that tends to spill over the sides?
And don’t even get me started on skimmer jeans. There must be at least 54,000 different types of those, too. By the time I sift through the vast ocean of denim, tossing aside pair after pair in search of my size, I often find it in the wrong length—regular or long, but never ankle. It’s as if The Gap believes the average woman is 10 feet tall!
In my quest for the perfect pair, I reluctantly approached a cheerful sales associate who was balancing precariously on a ladder next to an intimidating wall of jeans. “Excuse me,” I began, “I’m sorry for the mess I made. Do you have dark-wash, always-skinny skimmer jeans in mid-rise, size 8, ankle length? I don’t see them anywhere.” The 23-year-old clerk replied, “We have deconstructed dark-wash skimmers in low-rise, or super skinny leggings in size 8 ankle, but no dark wash and only in ultra-low-rise.”
“Let’s simplify this,” I sighed. “Do you have any skinny jeans in this store that are mid-rise in size 8 ankle?”
“Nope,” she said, chewing her gum and returning to her task, clearly unaffected by my plight.
“But you have tons of jeans here!” I persisted, shaking my head. “How can you not have any in my size?” But it was no use; the world of denim is not designed for women past 21.
Let me clarify: I’m not advocating for high-waisted jeans that reach your chest. I’m not referring to the mom jeans of yesteryear, but rather a new breed of jeans—modern, technologically advanced denim designed for women who’ve given birth or matured past their early twenties. Jeans that allow women to feel stylish while preserving their dignity. Because while we’ve grown accustomed to the occasional unwanted crack sighting, I firmly believe that crack is, and should always be, wack.
What astonishes me is the absence of such jeans in the market. This isn’t just a whimsical idea; it can and has been done. On days when my jean shopping adventures leave me disheartened, I often gaze out the window and reminisce about the golden days of fitting clothing. A time before muffin tops and constant readjustments, when undergarments remained firmly in place. I long for an era when showing a bit of skin was a source of embarrassment—not a daily occurrence.
It’s time for change. I propose that we demand a society where mass, unwanted crack sightings are not acceptable. We once had jeans that fit well, and we can have them again—indeed, we must! So let’s rise up together and insist that our jeans do the same. If only we could find a pair that rises as high as our expectations demand.
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In summary, it’s high time for a revolution in denim that caters to real women. Let’s demand stylish, well-fitting jeans that enhance our lives rather than complicate them.