Every year, I find myself oddly in tune with my expanding waistline, particularly as the seasons shift from Halloween’s candy corn to Valentine’s Day chocolates. This year, however, the connection started earlier than usual. Sure, I could point fingers at my slothful tendencies or questionable food choices, but let’s be honest: it’s menopause, and it’s truly a challenge.
Like many women in their 40s, I often gauge my health by the fit of my skinny jeans. Last week, however, my zipper had other plans—splitting open and giving me a not-so-charming reminder of my changing body. It was an eye-opener—literally—though now I’m left pondering the whereabouts of my pants. I wish I could say it made me more insightful, but with a metal clasp threatening my vision, that notion has gone out the window. Still, every morning, I hold onto hope that my legs will fit back into those jeans so I can toss my Spanx for good. Well, that day has finally arrived.
For the past couple of weeks, I embarked on what many would term “the craziest diet ever.” Who in their right mind would go without solid food for ten days? A desperate, middle-aged mom, perhaps? But in reality, it’s not a diet; it’s a ten-day detox consisting solely of lemons, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. And yes, it’s a speedy way to lose some extra pounds—count me in! Anything that helps keep the weight off without any drastic measures feels like a win to me, and my goal was to shed those stubborn ten pounds.
Curious about whether the Master Cleanse might suit you? I decided to document my journey for your entertainment and potential inspiration. Here’s how it went:
10-Day Master Cleanse Journal
Day 1: 3:45 PM
It’s freezing in here! I half expect Björk to waltz in with a popsicle. So far, I’ve downed five lemonade concoctions and even licked a stamp for a hint of flavor. Everything smells like chicken. I might just eat the cat.
Day 2: 10:27 AM
This morning, I actually licked my computer screen, mistaking it for a home-cooked meal. Turns out, it was a friend’s Facebook post featuring some fake food that looked suspiciously like eggs. I need to remember to grab some Windex.
Day 3: 1:14 PM
During the initial days of this cleanse, it’s typical for your tongue to turn a ghastly white hue. They say it means toxins are leaving my body, but it looks more like a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Please, someone call for help. I think I just swallowed my tongue.
Day 4: 6:25 PM
There’s something in my throat that tastes like seaweed mixed with chicken—surprisingly delightful.
Day 5: 5:13 AM
It’s pitch dark outside. Suddenly, a chipmunk appears at my window, glaring at me. He’s laughing and rolling in the dirt, then he mouths “idiot” while pointing at my bowl of lemons. It feels like a personal attack.
Day 6: 9:26 AM
I’m ashamed to admit I cheated today. I thought I could turn a blind eye, but I couldn’t resist that cappuccino aroma. It’s amazing how one can almost chew a drink!
Day 7: 2:28 PM
My turkey neck has vanished! Oh wait, I think I just ate it. Thanks, Master Cleanse!
Day 8: 4:36 PM
Today I spotted a squirrel with an unusual coat that reminded me of my own Nutella and peanut butter concoction—sadly, it didn’t taste the same.
Day 9: 10:56 AM
I can see my toes again! They look different now—more appetizing. I need to go.
Day 10: 7:16 PM
I did it! I survived ten days without losing my mind (that I know of). I feel alive (read: starving)! I can’t wait to squeeze into my spandex and start chewing again. I’m curious about how it’ll feel after this prolonged abstinence. Will food taste the same? Does Domino’s deliver here? I should just pick it up.
And oh, that new zipper better hold up!
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In conclusion, my journey through menopause, weight gain, and the Master Cleanse has been an adventure filled with humor and unexpected challenges. If you’re considering a cleanse or exploring home insemination options, remember to approach it with a light heart and an open mind.