Earlier this summer, I was chatting with my neighbor, Sarah, about her new position at the student health clinic of our nearby state university. I was curious if she encountered typical ailments like colds or more complex issues. With my daughter recently starting college, I was eager for insights from someone in the field, particularly regarding concerns like binge drinking and unprotected sex. Sarah leaned in, her voice dropping to a whisper, “I see a lot of anxiety.”
“Really? Even here?” I asked, surprised. I had spent six years at this university for my undergraduate and graduate studies, and it never felt like a place that induced anxiety. Of course, I had my moments—like the day I received a D on my math final, which left me feeling utterly sick. I didn’t share that with my friends or family; I was too embarrassed. I did a lot of self-talk to get through that day, though I managed to shake off the feeling after a couple of days. I ended up with a C in the class.
However, according to another friend, Mark, who works as a university counselor, today’s students struggle with that kind of self-talk. “They lack coping skills,” he explained. “I teach them how to manage their emotions.”
Coping skills—what a nebulous concept. How do we cultivate these abilities? Or do they develop naturally over time? Numerous articles and books discuss the challenges millennials face, particularly when they transition to college life. Professors at the university often mention a cultural shift compared to a generation ago—how parents now intervene in their children’s academic struggles, call about grades, and accompany them through the admissions process. We’ve been discussing this for years, but the troubling rise in anxiety and suicide clusters at selective colleges certainly adds urgency to the conversation.
Recently, I finished reading How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims. This compelling book urges parents to step back from overparenting and equip their children with essential life skills, including coping techniques. I found myself nodding along with her assessments of modern parenting—how we often rush to resolve conflicts for our kids, label issues as bullying, and fail to encourage independence. It’s a trend I’ve noticed around me, and I can relate more than I’d like to admit.
Some friends, however, advocate for fostering independence in their children. One even moved her family from a high-pressure neighborhood to alleviate the stress of keeping up appearances. They attribute much of the pressure to social media, where a “curated self” presents a flawless, fun-filled life on platforms like Instagram and Snapchat. I witnessed this firsthand just days before my daughter left for college when she excitedly showed me pictures of an upperclassman at her new school—a small liberal arts institution known for its outdoorsy culture and high-achieving students. “Look at all she’s done!” my daughter exclaimed, showcasing her adventures like hiking in Nepal and skiing in exotic locations. But does my daughter realize that everyone has moments of self-doubt, including this seemingly perfect peer?
My daughter, whom I’ll call Lila, has consistently shown independence. From a young age, she managed her homework, learned to cook, and even tackled her college applications solo. She navigated public transportation in New York City, changed planes without assistance, and recently went backpacking with friends, insisting her outdoor-savvy dad stay behind so they could figure things out themselves. She trusts her problem-solving abilities and even enjoys the thrill of getting lost. Lythcott-Haims would likely commend her.
Yet, I wonder about the state of her emotional resilience. How well can she self-reflect? Can she calm herself after a setback? Is she prepared for the inevitable hard times—like homesickness and loneliness? I can’t predict how she will fare, but I know from personal experience that everyone faces bumps in the road as they transition to adulthood. Understanding that these feelings are common can be crucial, especially in a world where everyone seems to be living their best life online.
There are no straightforward solutions to the challenges our children face as they approach adulthood. While I agree with my friends that we must address overparenting, I also recognize that social media has a pervasive influence. The prevailing cultural messages about success are powerful and often narrow, focusing predominantly on competitive colleges. In our family, we strive to counteract these pressures, but it isn’t easy. We must keep the conversation going and remind ourselves to ease the pressure on our kids. It simply isn’t worth the cost—too many young people are feeling overwhelmed.
In conclusion, as we navigate the complexities of parenting in this digital age, it’s essential to empower our children with the skills they need to thrive while also fostering an environment that values emotional well-being.
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