I cherish those brisk mornings perfect for runs, the hum of leaf blowers, and the first sip of an iced pumpkin spice latte (PSL for the uninitiated) because they signal the arrival of fall. It’s that magical time of year when hoodies come out, pumpkin beer flows, and football games fill our weekends. It’s also the season of “Yay, I can skip shaving my legs!” But, along with the joys of fall come things that I dread—things that truly unsettle me. The cooler weather ushers in dark mornings and even darker evenings. It brings with it a wave of sadness and anxiety that can feel overwhelming.
Understanding Seasonal Affective Disorder
Seasonal Affective Disorder, often referred to as SAD, is a type of depression that typically strikes during the winter months when sunlight is scarce. Like other forms of clinical depression—major, manic, bipolar, postpartum—SAD is marked by feelings of guilt, emptiness, and hopelessness, resulting in diminished energy, disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, and a general disinterest in activities once enjoyed. The term SAD might suggest it’s less severe than year-round depression, but make no mistake—this condition can be just as challenging, just as frightening.
There’s no specific day when the shadow of SAD creeps into my life. One moment I’m fine, and the next, my limbs feel heavier, and I sense an unfamiliar fatigue settling in. I’m not overtly sad, but I feel drained and hollow. As the end-of-summer burst of energy fades, I’m left wondering what’s next, feeling like a ghost of my former self.
The Struggle of Seasonal Changes
I long to lounge in pajamas all day, cocooned in oversized clothing and plush blankets. I want to hibernate, to disappear. In my youth, I adored fall and even winter—filled with costumes, candy, and the joy of Christmas. But now, as the crisp Canadian air blankets the Northeastern U.S., I retreat more and more. And the holidays? They bring their own set of anxieties—forced smiles, obligatory hugs, and endless gatherings that feel suffocating. The pressure to perform and pretend can feel like a weight I can’t bear.
I wish I could revel in pumpkin picking with my little one and enjoy our yearly visit to Santa’s Workshop (a.k.a. the Staten Island Mall), but I find it hard to be present. I struggle to smile, to engage without feeling the urge to break down in tears. So, I withdraw. I cancel plans, start projects I know I’ll abandon, and open books I have no intention of finishing. I dodge conversations about myself and avoid any social interaction that might require me to put on a facade. What I’m experiencing feels too sad, too pathetic to share—sitting at home, consumed by worry and tears, contemplating darker thoughts.
Finding Comfort in Solitude
I pull the curtains shut, crank up the heat, and retreat into comfort. In my leopard-print robe and mismatched slipper socks, I hide. My seasonal depression is palpable—just as real as my year-round battles with anxiety—but unlike those, this one arrives on a schedule. I can’t predict its onset, but I know it’s coming, a chill that creeps down my spine as the days grow shorter. Each year, between September and October, it ensnares me. You might think that being aware would help, but it only leaves me in a state of waiting—waiting for the long days to end, waiting for the nights to pass, waiting for the sunshine to return, as Annie sings, “Tomorrow.”
You Are Not Alone
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Summary
As the autumn chill sets in, many of us embrace the joys of the season while grappling with the onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This form of depression, marked by feelings of emptiness and anxiety, can make even the most cherished traditions feel overwhelming. Understanding that these feelings are common can help us navigate the darker days, and there are resources available for those seeking support and community.