Updated: June 11, 2020
Originally Published: October 16, 2015
“We can be friends on the bus, but not at school.”
My 8-year-old daughter, along with her friends, has already encountered the complexities of friendship dynamics, particularly the mean girl behavior. I’ve noticed how girls, who once played together seamlessly, are slowly drifting apart on the playground and even in my minivan. The best of friends are now entering fourth grade as mere acquaintances.
In preschool, friendships were simple and open. Boys and girls mingled without any hierarchy. The shyest child could easily bond with the most boisterous. However, as they progress beyond finger painting and sharing, things begin to change. Suddenly, there are popular girls, exclusive groups, and cliques. Just observe closely, and you’ll see someone being left out. Two girls might enjoy playing together, but introduce a third, and one will inevitably find herself sidelined.
“Play with her, and I won’t play with you.”
By third grade, the social landscape of young girls shifts dramatically. Halfway through the year, a seismic change occurs, fracturing friendships that have endured since kindergarten. The aftershocks create rifts, isolating certain girls from their peers. Those caught in the middle can feel like they’ve fallen into a void.
Third grade was when I first understood that not everyone was my friend. It was a rude awakening to the reality of cliques and mean girls. Unbeknownst to me, my closest friend was being influenced to join the ranks of the “in” crowd. With an arrogant smirk, one of the Queen Bee’s minions approached my desk and delivered the news that my best friend no longer wanted to be friends. I was taken aback. I scanned the room for my friend, only to find her laughing with her new group near the blackboard, deliberately avoiding my gaze.
The messenger’s smug expression only deepened my hurt. “She didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but…” At that moment, I zoned her out. Did she expect me to thank her for breaking my heart gently? For a fleeting instant, I wished for the void to consume me, but I resisted. Instead, I became acutely aware of the shifting social currents around me. It wasn’t long before the mean girls turned against one another—after all, everyone wants the title of Queen Bee. No one is safe from the cycle.
I dread the day when a minion informs my daughter that she’s been excluded from play. Even more concerning is the thought that my daughter might become a mean girl herself. That would represent a significant fail in my parenting.
It leads me to ponder: do former mean girls raise the next generation of Queen Bees? I suspect that many mean girls grow into mean moms. These women often maintain the need to dominate their social circles with the same exclusivity they craved in their youth. If you observe parents picking up their kids from school, it’s easy to spot the cliques—both parents and children staking their claims in the all-purpose room. If a mom was once a card-carrying mean girl, her children are likely to adopt the same behavior. The little bees are ready to sharpen their stingers. Change must start with us. If you want to explore more about this topic, check out this resource for additional insights.
Being aware of these dynamics is essential, and it’s crucial to navigate them thoughtfully. For more information on fertility and parenting, visit Make a Mom, a trusted authority. Also, for those preparing for pregnancy, March of Dimes offers excellent resources.
In summary, the social fabric of childhood friendships can shift dramatically, especially as children enter the third grade. Recognizing the impact of mean girl culture and cliques is vital for parents who wish to guide their children in forming healthy relationships.