Over the years, our family has ventured to numerous farms and pumpkin-picking spots, but regardless of the location, the overall experience remains strikingly similar. If you’ve never taken your little ones to a pumpkin patch for some family bonding, let me paint a picture of the “fun” you’re missing. Here’s how the day might unfold:
Your youngest is likely to wake you up before dawn, filled with excitement for Pumpkin Patch Day. This enthusiasm is all your doing since you marked the day on the calendar with a bright red marker. Forget that your child can’t even read; they’ve cracked your “code” faster than a secret agent. Your clever idea to write in code is a bust. Your toddler will sashay through the house, waking everyone up with gleeful shouts of, “We’re going to the pumpkin patch today!” It’s amazing how clearly they can convey this message despite their limited vocabulary.
So, there you are, awake at the crack of dawn whether you want to be or not. You give each child detailed instructions on how to dress, directing them towards their neatly arranged outfits labeled with their names: socks, underwear, pants, shirts, sweaters, shoes, and coats. You carefully selected matching colors, dreaming of that perfect family photo for your holiday card. But, trust me, one child will emerge wearing a Cinderella ballgown, pink rubber gloves, and swim goggles. Accept that perfect family photo is a lost cause. Pour yourself a cup of coffee and move on.
You pack all sorts of baby carriers and a fluffy orange pumpkin costume for the baby, convinced that you’ll capture a “Baby’s First Autumn” snapshot for your mantle. You also throw in some old towels and plastic garbage bags, having learned from previous years.
As you step outside, it’s dark and pouring rain, feeling colder than an icebox. Everyone is bundled up in winter gear, but you know that by the time you reach the pumpkin patch, they’ll be sweating in summer heat. You prepare for that by packing 14 extra shirts. Everything matches, except for your daughter’s light blue Cinderella outfit. It’s best to just load them up and hit the road.
Arriving at the farm, the kids bolt in every direction. You gather them back, choosing your trusty baby carrier before heading to the hayride. Meanwhile, Dad heads to the barn-turned-produce-stand to buy tickets for the corn maze, which seemed like a great idea at the time. The kids are fixated on a distant tractor pulling colorful train cars and are determined to ride it. You try to convince them that pumpkin picking comes first.
Unfortunately, the allure of kettle corn mixed with the smells of wet hay and farm animals distracts them from the main event. You point out the hay wagon rolling in, hoping they’ll remember the task at hand.
But wait… what’s this? The “field” resembles a muddy swamp! You notice the orange specks bobbing in the puddles are indeed your pumpkins. Who knew pumpkins could float? That child in swim goggles? She’s clearly the genius of the group.
You load onto the hay wagon and brace yourself for the ride. Once you disembark, a little one will suddenly need to pee, fixating on a nearby honey bucket. This is a new experience for them, and they will not let you forget it. Ironically, this is the same kid who refuses to use the toilet at home.
Now, it’s time to create some unforgettable memories while selecting pumpkins. This will be a bit uneventful, unless you count the 80 minutes spent navigating through muddy marshes while dealing with a wheelbarrow that refuses to cooperate. Expect a few slips and falls, and a preschooler who changes their mind about their pumpkin every six minutes. Just remember not to leave your jackets behind, as you’ll be carrying them for the rest of the day.
After paying a small fortune for pumpkins, you’ll venture into the corn maze. It’s a delightful experience dragging muddy children through a pungent path lined with withered corn stalks. Time loses all meaning in there; it could be an hour or three days. Hopefully, you can escape before the vultures arrive.
Now that the baby is crying, you attempt to nurse while also managing a tantruming toddler sitting in a puddle. Don’t worry about the spectacle; nobody’s watching, right?
Finally, it’s time for that tractor-cow train ride, which your kids have been anticipating. They may react in ways you cannot predict, but just smile and wave if they start crying. After all, you’ve paid for this moment.
You spot an excellent photo opportunity, so you line up the muddy, dazed kids to pose with wooden cutouts of farm animals. Just ignore the one who’s crying.
Your last stop is the barn-turned-produce-stand, where you’ll probably spend an absurd amount on a homemade apple pie and apple butter. Resist the urge to splurge on seasonal decorations that are just glorified yard waste. You’ll need that money for wine later.
Finally, as your chilly, muddy kids start shedding their clothes in preparation for the ride home, remember to load everyone into the van and use towels as makeshift skirts. No need to panic about forgetting extra pants; just keep the mood light with some soothing music.
As you drive home, distributing kettle corn while trying not to think about your pantless kids, you’ll eventually get everyone bathed and tucked into bed.
Next time you see a row of jack-o’-lanterns decorating your neighborhood, take a moment to appreciate what those parents went through to get them—unless they opted for the convenience of buying pumpkins at the local Walmart.
The pumpkin patch may seem like the perfect adventure, but it’s also a reminder to stock up on dark chocolate and wine. Plus, it gives your kids plenty of stories that they’ll share with their grandchildren—or, perhaps, their therapists.
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In summary, while pumpkin patch adventures can be chaotic, they create cherished memories and hilarious stories. Just be prepared with snacks, extra clothes, and plenty of patience.