I’ve always enjoyed engaging in conversations with others. I’m a social person, and I find joy in chatting about various topics. I expect discussions to be at least somewhat logical, filled with amusing anecdotes and shared laughter. That was until I became a parent. The number of utterly bewildering and nonsensical arguments I’ve had with my older child (my younger one isn’t quite verbal yet) must be in the hundreds by now. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous debates I’ve found myself in with my 5-year-old.
1. Is It Sunday or Not?
On Sundays, my son receives his allowance, which he splits between saving and spending. Right now, he’s saving for a $3 squishy toy pumpkin that somehow wears a witch’s hat. (I mean, who comes up with these ideas?) He frequently asks me what day it is, and although I usually know, every other day somehow becomes a debate about it being Sunday instead. His persistence sometimes leaves me wondering if I’m wrong, questioning, “Maybe it really is Sunday?” as we head to school.
2. Is It Morning Yet?
More than once, I’ve bent over his bed in the wee hours, whispering urgently, “It’s dark out! Go back to sleep!” while my determined little guy insists he can see “glimmers of light” and requests cereal.
3. Is His Brother Touching Him?
His brother is sound asleep in the car seat, with no contact other than a pool of drool. “Nobody is touching you!” I shout from the front seat for the 30th time within the hour.
4. Is a Shirt Really Necessary?
On a chilly 34-degree day, my son is ready to dash outside in shorts and nothing else. After repeatedly telling him it’s too cold, I finally allow him to step outside half-naked and discover the reality for himself.
5. How Much Toilet Paper Is Enough?
I suggest “a small handful” for wiping. To him, this translates to the entire roll, uncrumpled, as he inefficiently waves it near his bottom.
6. What Does “Washing Your Hands” Mean?
Is it a quick dip of the fingertips into the water, or does it involve playing in the sink until it overflows? These are the pressing inquiries we face.
7. What’s His Brother’s Name?
This debate occurred when he was 3, just after we brought his little brother home from the hospital. I told him the name we had chosen, and he adamantly declared it was “Allie.” “Sorry, buddy, that’s not it,” I replied. He wouldn’t concede, leading me to wonder if we were destined to rename his brother.
8. What Constitutes “Quiet Time”?
Does it involve loud singing? How soft is soft singing? Is jumping off the furniture allowed? Who knew I’d be negotiating the parameters of “thump”?
9. How Urgent Is Urgent?
I’ve zoomed off the highway at 60 mph, rushed into the rest stop, only to watch my 5-year-old casually stroll to the hand dryer, fiddling with it instead of rushing to the bathroom as he claimed was urgent. It takes a sharp reminder for him to finally move.
10. What Counts as a Bite?
When suggesting he try a bite of casserole or broccoli, he simply touches a forkful to his lips and insists, “Oh, yes it is.” This leads me to define “bite” as if I’m in a heated political debate. Eventually, I throw my hands up and say, “Just wave the broccoli near your mouth; that counts!”
Perhaps one day, our conversations will regain some coherence. Yet, my friends with teenagers warn me that the arguments will shift to curfews. I can already picture myself saying, “4 a.m. is definitely not reasonable!” Maybe I’ll end with, “There are glimmers of light!” while pouring him a bowl of cereal.
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Summary
Navigating conversations with my 5-year-old often leads to absurd arguments over the simplest topics, from the day of the week to what constitutes a bite of food. Despite the chaos, these moments are filled with humor and confusion, reminding me that parenting is as entertaining as it is challenging.