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Can Moms Show Anger and Be Taken Seriously?
I often find myself feeling angry. It can be anything from mild annoyance—like when someone finishes the last of the eggs and leaves the empty carton in the fridge—to moderate frustration, such as realizing that childcare expenses exceed my rent. Then there are moments of full-blown rage, especially when I hear statements like, “More guns in schools is the right solution to gun violence.” Despite these feelings, I typically suppress my anger. I might shake my head at the eggs or mutter to myself about the lack of family-support policies, thinking, “What can you do?” When it comes to the gun debate, I try to channel my anger into more “constructive” outlets. Sometimes, I worry that if I fully expressed my emotions, others would see me as irrational.
Why is it that women struggle more with expressing anger? When men show anger, they are often viewed as assertive and passionate. In contrast, women expressing anger tend to be seen as unstable. This isn’t just a feeling; it’s supported by research. A study highlighted by Tom Jacobs in Pacific Standard examined how anger impacts perceptions of men and women.
In this study, 210 college students participated as jurors in a mock trial. After watching a video of a crime, they made an initial vote on the defendant’s guilt. During the deliberation, one juror—either male or female—expressed increasing anger or fear about the case. The results were telling: when the male juror expressed anger, the participants began to doubt their initial vote. However, when the female juror expressed anger, it only reinforced their original opinions.
Jacobs explains that this dynamic means “men were able to exert more social pressure by expressing anger,” while women’s anger actually diminished their influence. This aligns with earlier research showing that men gain status when they express anger, while women often lose it. Essentially, society tends to view angry women as having personal issues, rather than acknowledging the validity of their anger. It’s not that they’re upset about an unequal division of household responsibilities, stalled careers post-children, or the alarming rates of gun violence in our country—no, if a woman is angry, she’s considered “hysterical” or out of control.
As a mother, I find myself grappling with these emotions frequently. My anger can flare up as I struggle to manage two small kids who find it hilarious to trip me while I’m unloading groceries or when I realize that the paycheck I’ve worked hard for barely covers babysitting. I feel it when I read about yet another school shooting. It can be challenging to keep my cool over both trivial and significant issues. But now, I’m starting to think it might be time to stop stifling my anger. Moms have plenty of valid reasons to be frustrated, and it’s time to let it show.
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Summary
Moms often feel anger but face societal challenges when expressing it. Research shows that while men’s anger is taken seriously, women’s anger is dismissed. This dynamic discourages mothers from voicing their frustrations, whether about family responsibilities or larger societal issues. However, it’s time for moms to stop suppressing their feelings and acknowledge the valid reasons behind their anger, seeking support and resources to navigate their experiences.