Last week, just two nights before my partner returned from a four-month deployment—and after enduring eight months filled with two-week trips—I found myself awake at 2 a.m. My son was peacefully sleeping in his sleeping bag on the floor, having woken from a nightmare earlier. Our loyal Rottweiler lay beside him, while my 2-year-old sprawled across my bed, the pillows I used to keep her safe from rolling off precariously balanced on the mattress.
In that quiet moment, surrounded by my beautiful family, I was overwhelmed with the realization that we had been managing life without my partner for nearly a year. We had built friendships, explored our surroundings, and created a new routine. Yet, as I glanced around the cozy room, I felt a strange sense of fullness. There was no physical space left for another person.
The morning of his return, my phone buzzed with messages. “Aren’t you thrilled?” friends asked. “I’m so happy for you!” they exclaimed. I understood their excitement—it was a day of joy, a reunion of our family of four that felt so right. However, after spending so much time alone, I had learned to emotionally detach from my spouse to cope; otherwise, functioning would be nearly impossible. My husband and I have discussed this at length. During his absence, I found support from friends and discovered happiness in other areas of life.
As I drove to the pickup location, my kids bouncing in their seats, an unsettling thought crossed my mind: the adjustment period would be challenging. After experiencing this transition multiple times, I braced myself for what lay ahead. My partner and I have different parenting styles. Would we clash? How would I handle sharing the bathroom again? Would we manage the extra laundry and cooking? And what if we struggled to reconnect as a couple?
It may sound trivial, but I masked my concerns with enthusiasm when talking to others. Yes, I was excited. Yes, it would be wonderful. Yet, letting someone back into the rhythm of family life after almost a year apart was daunting. Adjustments would be required, conversations that hadn’t been necessary for months would arise, and the reality was that we had both changed during this time.
I envied the pure excitement my children exhibited. As newlyweds, I felt that same thrill. Now, life was layered with complexities, and reintegrating someone into our family meant navigating a new normal. Of course, I knew I was fortunate to have him back. So many families face the heartbreak of loss.
However, homecoming isn’t a fairy tale. The initial days are wonderful, filled with kindness and togetherness. But soon, the reality sets in. Children may act out, couples may bicker, and the simple act of sharing a space can create tension. Small disagreements arise as we attempt to shift back to a partnership. “Did you remember to make the bed?” or “Why didn’t you grab milk on your way home?” It’s during these moments that a lingering, unspoken resentment can surface: “Why do I still feel alone in this?”
Remarkably, after weeks, or sometimes months, families begin to find their footing again. This is my favorite part. The actual moment of reunion is magical and emotional, but fleeting. After that, the real work begins. The first two weeks might be filled with disbelief: “I can’t believe he’s really back! This is incredible!” However, it’s essential to redefine what our family looks like; returning to how things once were isn’t possible since the kids have grown and time has changed us all. It’s a rough road with inevitable arguments, not the seamless transition many might expect.
If you listen closely at preschool drop-offs, YMCA classes, or playground gatherings, you might hear spouses openly discussing the impending deployments, worries about their children’s reactions, or even contemplating moving back in with parents for support. However, when it comes to homecomings, these discussions tend to dwindle. We often feel uncomfortable expressing our fears because it can come off as ungrateful. How can we admit we’re anxious when everyone expects pure joy?
When someone asks, “You must be so excited!” the spouse typically replies with a bright smile, “Absolutely! We’re thrilled!” And while that’s true, there’s often more beneath the surface.
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In summary, while military homecomings can be joyous occasions, they often come with their own set of challenges. It’s essential to acknowledge both the excitement and the adjustments that follow as families work to create a new normal after prolonged separations.