I’m gearing up to leave for a four-day conference, and while I’m excited, I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness about leaving my husband and our little ones behind. Our youngest, a 4-year-old, is currently in a clingy stage, which makes things even trickier. Just the other day, when I had to leave for an early meeting before she woke up, she erupted into an hour-long tantrum. My husband is accustomed to having both of us around, so I know it’ll be a challenge for him to juggle everything alone for a few days. But I’ll be back by Friday.
What surprises me, though, is how often people ask if my husband will be okay on his own, if he needs help, or if I’m anxious about leaving them. The truth is, I don’t worry about him at all.
When our oldest was just a baby, my husband took her on a solo trip to see his parents. It was a significant milestone—his first daddy-daughter outing. I was nursing and couldn’t join them for some reason, perhaps because I was buried in grad school work or just needed a bit of rest. Regardless, he packed a cooler and set off for the day. His parents were amazed at how he handled it, and when my mother-in-law called to praise me for encouraging his independent parenting, I felt a little uncomfortable. I quickly corrected her, insisting that he was already an incredible father on his own merit—not because of anything I had done.
This conversation has resurfaced in various forms over the years, especially as I prepare for my upcoming trip. There still seems to be this underlying assumption that parenting is primarily the mother’s realm, even as we strive for a more balanced partnership. Yes, we have our roles—I’m the one who cooks, while he takes out the trash—but when it comes to our kids, we work as a team.
We made a deliberate decision to share parenting responsibilities equally. While I took care of the early stages of baby-rearing, we both committed to being equally involved. Despite this arrangement, I still hear people refer to my husband’s time with the kids as “babysitting.” And when I’m out, there’s always a question about whether he’s “babysitting” them. My close friends know better, and I firmly correct anyone who asks, saying, “No, he’s parenting.”
While it’s true that women often handle more household tasks, it’s essential to recognize that men are stepping up, too. When we belittle their efforts by calling it “daddy daycare” or treating them like secondary caregivers, we undermine their contributions and abilities as fathers. My husband is a fantastic parent—he’s playful, occasionally strict, teaches our kids new things, and yes, he makes mistakes just like I do.
Recently, I had several evening commitments that took me away right around bedtime. Those hours can be a delightful chaos or a whirlwind of tears, depending on how tired the girls are. I knew I’d miss out on some of that time, so when my youngest asked if Daddy would be “babysitting” them, I was taken aback. I quickly gathered both of them for a little discussion.
“Girls,” I said, “We need to clarify something. A Mommy is a parent, and a Daddy is a parent. A babysitter is someone who looks after you when your Mommy and Daddy can’t.”
My older daughter chimed in, “But a babysitter can be a Mommy or Daddy too, right?”
“Yes,” I replied. “But remember, a Mommy and a Daddy are parents, and they’re not babysitters. Do you understand?”
They nodded, but I quizzed them again to be sure. “What’s a Mommy?”
“A babysitter!” my older daughter playfully retorted.
“No! A Mommy is a parent!” my younger daughter exclaimed.
“That’s right,” I affirmed.
It’s crucial for them to understand that their parents are a cohesive unit, working together and trusting each other, especially when they hear different messages from others. When my husband is with our children, I know everything is fine.
So, as I prepare to board my early morning flight, I know I’ll miss them dearly, but I won’t worry. I’ll just wish they were coming along!
If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, check out this post for insights. You can also find excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination at Parents and discover the right tools at Make a Mom.
In summary, it’s time we shift the narrative around parenting roles. Fathers should be recognized as equal partners in raising children, not just as babysitters. Let’s celebrate their contributions and encourage a more balanced view of parenting.