Parenting
Some days, my mind can feel like a tumultuous storm. Yesterday was one of those days. A thick fog of sadness enveloped me, dimming even the brightest summer sunlight. The joyful sounds of my children’s laughter transformed into overwhelming noise. Connections with loved ones felt superficial, leaving me feeling adrift.
On most days, when the shadows of melancholy begin to creep in, I can muster the strength to push through. I rely on the strategies I’ve gathered over the years—taking the kids to the park or pool, chatting with a friend, tackling household chores—anything to help re-engage with life.
But there are times when mere activity isn’t enough. When the weight of sadness is too heavy, and the light streaming through the window feels blinding, all I want is to retreat into solitude.
My partner, Jake, doesn’t experience depression. He can’t grasp what it’s like to feel isolated in a crowded room, or the struggle of stepping outside after days of confinement. He hasn’t felt the emptiness that washes over me when my child smiles, and I can’t reciprocate.
It’s easy for those who haven’t battled depression to look at someone’s life and highlight all the reasons to be happy. Yet, depression is not governed by logic or reason. It exists in a realm of its own.
I recall a conversation years ago with a friend, Lisa, who was trapped in a cycle of deep sadness despite having a seemingly perfect life. Financial stability, a loving partner, close friends, and a fulfilling job—there was no rational reason for her despair. I often reminded her of her blessings, not understanding why she felt so low. I was so focused on rescuing her from her darkness that I overlooked the importance of simply listening and empathizing.
What I’ve learned about depression is that it can ensnare us so tightly that we become prisoners of our own minds. Instead of seeing the individual, the world often only perceives the depression itself. When Jake confronted my sadness yesterday, it only intensified my struggle. His frustration grew as I remained silent and uncommunicative. Our evening ended in a heavy silence, and he went to bed without a word. I felt utterly defeated.
After some time, I texted him, simply saying, “Deep depression. I’m sorry.” He responded with a flurry of questions: Why didn’t you say something sooner? Next time just tell me you’re feeling down, so I don’t think it’s me.
I wanted to respond, but that’s the paradox of depression—it silences me. I longed to connect with him for support, yet the heaviness held me back.
Fortunately, my depressive episodes usually pass within a couple of days. I’ve worked hard to combat these feelings through therapy, spirituality, and nurturing fulfilling relationships. Understanding my depression has been crucial—acknowledging its presence, listening to its whispers, and identifying what fuels it. At times when my emotions feel overwhelming, I’ve found that being still can be the most powerful remedy.
Depression thrives on chaos and turmoil. It wants to disrupt my life and convince me that ending the struggle is the only solution. It feeds on my doubts and insecurities. But through self-awareness, I’ve learned that if I can pause, listen to its narrative without acting on its irrational thoughts, the grip of sadness will eventually loosen.
Every person’s experience with depression is unique. My struggles differ from yours, yet we all share the capacity to embrace stillness.
When everything else fails, just be still.
This article was originally published on November 5, 2015.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, Alex Thompson shares the complexities of living with depression, detailing personal experiences and insights. The narrative emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and understanding one’s feelings rather than attempting to mask them through activity. By embracing stillness and self-awareness, individuals can navigate their mental health challenges more effectively.