ParentingMotherhood Through the Lens of Divorce
My parents separated when I was just five years old. This marked the beginning of a whirlwind period filled with cross-country moves, frequent school changes, and the emotional rollercoaster of their on-again, off-again relationship, culminating in their eventual divorce.
By the time I turned eight, my father had remarried. Although he was actively involved in our lives, I tend to identify more with being raised primarily by my mother—particularly after she relocated back across the country. This meant I would only see my dad during school breaks and summers.
While both of my parents were loving and well-intentioned, my childhood was also marked by instability, fear, and unfulfilled hopes. I genuinely believe that divorce was the right decision for them, as it is for many couples, but I can’t ignore how my early experiences have colored my perception of marriage and family.
Today, I am fortunate to be in a marriage that feels entirely different from my parents’ relationship. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, together for 22 years and married for 14. Unless something drastic happens, I can’t envision our marriage ending—ever. We have two wonderful sons who are the center of our lives, and we co-parent effectively.
Despite this stability, a part of me still fears that everything could fall apart, much like it did during my childhood. It’s an irrational worry, yet it lingers within me, like an itch that refuses to be scratched, a wound that remains unhealed. You would think after all these years, it should be easier, but life often defies simplicity.
Most days, I embody the role of a typical wife and mother. Motherhood is challenging—something I accept—but there are moments when certain triggers transport me back to that vulnerable child I once was, and all the heartache I buried resurfaces. Mornings, in particular, can be overwhelming. My husband leaves for work before we wake up, and the dark, early hours can feel suffocating. I worry about my kids being late for school, fearing judgment as a mother.
When I retreat to the bathroom, the sounds of my sons’ squabbling reach me. Sitting there, I feel isolated, convinced that I’m carrying the weight of the world alone. I struggle to get them to put on their shoes, and when one complains about his heavy backpack, it feels unbearable. I find myself channeling my own mother, who seemed to carry every burden alone—and it feels like I’m on the verge of breaking down.
When my husband finally comes home, we often end up arguing about trivial matters, like the trash he forgot to take out. We go in circles, throwing accusations back and forth. Instead of addressing the issue directly, I spiral into thoughts of whether this is a sign of trouble in our marriage. What if our relationship isn’t as solid as I believed? Do I really understand what stability means?
As a child of divorce, even minor concerns can feel magnified. The sense of loneliness and helplessness becomes overwhelming, leading to the belief that any good in my life might be taken away at any moment.
Over the years, I’ve learned to recognize these feelings when they arise, understanding that I’m often reliving past traumas instead of engaging with the present. With each passing day, I am gradually embracing adulthood, learning to separate my current family life from my childhood experiences. Every day presents a new opportunity to appreciate what I have, to embrace gratitude, and to cultivate faith.
Nevertheless, the memories of my childhood will always linger in my heart. My goal is to acknowledge these feelings and work to let them go. Increasingly, I find myself nurturing that wounded little girl I once was, offering her the love and reassurance she needs while simultaneously caring for my own children. I want to show her that life has so much more to offer than the pain of the past—there are second chances and treasures waiting to be discovered.
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Summary
Growing up in a divorced family shaped my views on love and relationships, leading to lingering fears even in my stable marriage. As I navigate motherhood, I often find myself confronting past traumas but am learning to nurture my inner child. Each day is a new chance to embrace gratitude and recognize the difference between my past and my present.