As a parent, I don’t consider myself overly protective, but I certainly haven’t granted my children the same level of freedom I enjoyed during my own upbringing. I often prioritized academics over life experiences, hoping they could learn about the world’s dangers through my stories, articles, and health classes. Did they really need to face heartbreak, drink too much, or hitchhike home from concerts before getting their licenses? While I understand that life experiences offer invaluable lessons, my desire to shield my children from harm often took precedence over allowing them to explore.
I take pride in my kids’ independence; they wake up and get ready for school without my assistance and return home by their curfews. My daughter, who recently graduated high school and was accepted into an honors program at college, was no exception. By her senior year, we set her curfew at 11:30 PM, believing it was reasonable. She was responsible—excelling in school, working a job, and helping around the house. One summer evening, she returned home on time, set the alarm, and went to bed. My husband and I, feeling reassured, turned off the lights. Yet, something felt off, and I couldn’t shake the unease. I decided to check on her and discovered her bed empty.
Thinking I was one step ahead, I texted her: “Where are you?”
“Out walking with Emma.”
“How did you get out?”
“Basement window, but I’ve never done it before.”
“Come home now, same way you left.”
She barely made it through the window when I started my lecture. “What if something happened to you? We would think you were safe in bed! You left a window unlocked!”
She argued that our curfew was unreasonable, claiming her friends had no curfews and could stay out until 1 or 2 AM. My sweet daughter insisted she had never snuck out before. I texted her older brother at college, asking if he ever snuck out. His response? He wanted to, but fear of being caught held him back.
A few days later, still unsettled by the incident, I decided to dig deeper. Like my parents before me, I didn’t want to know the whole truth because it felt too frightening. But I wanted to gauge my own naivety, so I employed a little strategy. I offered my underage daughter a couple of delightful champagne cocktails (which, by the way, is legal in my state if done at home with a parent present). After the second drink, she confessed, “I’ve been sneaking out for the last year.”
My heart sank. “What were you doing?”
“Partying. Breaking into the community pool.” Yikes! That’s a combination I didn’t want to imagine!
“What time did you usually come home?”
“Usually around 4 AM.” Wow, that was bold. My husband and I often woke up by 6 AM.
“How quickly did you sneak out each time?”
“Once, I was out in four minutes.” Impressive, I guess.
“I can’t believe I had no idea. I feel so clueless.”
“Mom, you thought you had everything figured out. Honestly, why would you suspect? I had great grades and participated in every activity. I never missed work and was helpful at home.”
“You always seemed so sleep-deprived. I thought it was due to studying.”
“Mom, have you heard of the three S’s?”
“No.”
“In high school, there are three S’s: study, socialize, and sleep. You can only do two. I chose the first two.” Not sure about her logic, but okay.
Here was my intelligent and accomplished daughter leading a double life for years! In the past year, I worried about her going off to college without the street smarts I thought she lacked, so much so that I even arranged for someone to teach her about safe drinking practices.
“You must have thought that was a joke,” she said.
“We had to stifle our laughter during some parts.”
Though I was shocked to learn about my daughter’s secret life, I felt relieved she managed to gain the education and experiences I hesitated to encourage. I shared the story with my sister, who has younger kids, and she was astonished.
“Did you let her go to Lollapalooza?”
“Yes. She leaves for college in three weeks.”
“You need to punish her; she must earn your trust back.”
“Absolutely not! It’s a bit late for that. I trust her completely, and she has my admiration!”
While my daughter did lie to me—a common teenage behavior—she didn’t indulge in anything I hadn’t experienced myself during high school, except she managed higher grades and secured admission to a prestigious college. Now that she’s settled into college life, I feel like we have both succeeded in preparing her for her new journey.
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In summary, while my daughter lived a hidden life, she successfully balanced her academic responsibilities with her social adventures. This experience taught me that sometimes, letting go and trusting our children is the best approach.