Parenting
Updated: Feb. 20, 2016
Originally Published: November 7, 2015
As I approached my 32-week checkup, it felt just like the others: strong heartbeat? Check. Growth on track? Check. Weight gain? You bet.
“Only eight more weeks to go!” my midwife exclaimed with enthusiasm.
“Ugh, I was really hoping for some mathematical mix-up that would let me give birth tomorrow. I’m so over this!”
She chuckled. “I’m afraid not. You’re in the final stretch. Hang in there and try to savor this time.”
As I wiped the sticky gel from my belly, I felt enormous, uncomfortable, and increasingly disheartened. Savor this time? How could I enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy when every moment felt like a struggle? Just five days later, my water broke unexpectedly. After eight days of bed rest in the hospital, I welcomed a tiny premature baby into the world.
Motherhood quickly enveloped me in a whirlwind of emotions I had anticipated: joy, anxiety, love, compassion, and frustration. It was a lot to process, often all at once. Yet, amidst this emotional storm, there was one feeling that took me by surprise—guilt.
From the moment my little one made his entrance at 34 weeks, I was overwhelmed with guilt. It felt as if my body had responded to my complaints about pregnancy by saying, “You want this to be over? Okay, let’s be done.” I was convinced my selfish thoughts had somehow triggered the early arrival of my child. Although my doctors assured me it was simply a fluke, the guilt persisted like a shadow, always lingering in the back of my mind.
I felt guilt as soon as I learned our baby would need to go to the NICU. Every visit to see him there came with its own wave of guilt. I felt guilty for not being there when I was busy trying to prepare our home for his arrival, and for the fact that he had to come home on a breathing monitor. I felt guilty about everything—especially being unable to nurse him right away.
Now, five months into motherhood, my son is thriving and full of life. Still, the guilt remains, surfacing daily. It seems every time I forgive myself for one parenting misstep—whether it’s a significant concern, like having a premature baby, or something minor, like skipping bedtime stories—there’s always something new to feel guilty about.
Here’s a glimpse of the guilt I’ve felt today alone, and it’s only 3 p.m.:
- I didn’t kiss my husband goodbye this morning, and I realize now I didn’t kiss him goodnight either. Guilt multiplied.
- I didn’t walk my dog long enough during lunch.
- I dropped my baby off at the sitter while still in his pajamas.
- I wrestle with the guilt of returning to work.
- Even working from home, I’ve spent more time on household chores than actual work.
- I haven’t done enough around the house.
- I spent $60 on a custom baby book from Etsy but haven’t filled it out yet.
- I haven’t switched out my seasonal clothes; I’m too lazy.
- I stopped pumping milk.
- I can’t afford cute plaid shirts for my little guy like the ones on Pinterest, so he wears hand-me-down sweatpants.
- I treated myself to a fancy coffee when we have a perfectly good coffee maker at home.
- I haven’t worn makeup in months, and my hair hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks.
- I’ve neglected the gym since giving birth, but I refuse to cancel my membership because I plan to start spinning next week.
I look back to a time when guilt wasn’t part of my daily thoughts. Before I was responsible for another person’s every need, I didn’t think twice about indulging in little luxuries like new boots or a second glass of wine.
Perhaps guilt is simply a part of motherhood.
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Summary
Motherhood often brings a wave of emotions, and guilt seems to be an ever-present companion for many new mothers. From feelings surrounding the birth experience to daily parenting choices, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by guilt. This piece illustrates the journey of navigating motherhood while grappling with guilt, showcasing how it can permeate everyday life.