Why I Fear Teaching My Daughter to Embrace Self-Love

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When I was around 7 or 8 years old, I penned a heartfelt note to my mother that expressed deep feelings of inadequacy:

Dear Mom,
I’m sorry for being overweight. I dislike myself. You probably don’t love me. Maybe I should run away. I wish you had a different daughter.
—Lisa

Just recalling that letter fills me with a desire to wrap my younger self in a comforting hug, shielding her from the shame and self-loathing she felt. The thought of my own daughters experiencing such emotional turmoil at such a tender age is heart-wrenching.

I remember precisely what triggered that note. A visit to a neighbor’s house led to a game where we compared wrist sizes by wrapping one hand around the other. My fingers didn’t touch while the others easily did. One girl even had fingers that could wrap around her wrist twice. In that moment, I felt utterly flawed.

By then, I had already gone through weigh-ins in gym class and was aware that my number was higher than those of the girls I admired. Despite efforts to keep it private, my weight became a topic of conversation among my peers. Some girls would approach me just to ask, likely to feel better about themselves. I didn’t have to share my weight, but saying no often revealed the answer anyway. Those experiences cemented my belief that I was inferior.

My mother was supportive and reassured me of my beauty, but as a child, I took her words with a grain of salt. I carried those insecurities with me, and the journey to self-acceptance has been long. I’ve tried countless methods to lose weight, both healthy and unhealthy—taking supplements, eliminating food groups, and even fasting.

I’ve oscillated between hiding in oversized clothing and wearing flattering outfits that accentuated my figure, despite not being my ideal size. I slimmed down for my wedding, then gained weight during pregnancy, and even underwent surgery for health reasons. Today, I find myself at a neutral point where I no longer hate my body; I strive to accept and, on good days, even love it. This growth has been motivated by my desire to model positive self-image for my daughters, even if I sometimes mask my own insecurities.

My oldest daughter, Mia, is nearly 6, and I can’t help but see her beauty. Recently, while getting her and her younger sister ready for school, I overheard Mia exclaim that her sister was prettier. On occasion, if one wears more sparkles or bows, I hear similar complaints.

This kind of talk is disheartening. It doesn’t promote healthy self-esteem or focus on what truly matters. I reassured them that both were beautiful, only to hear Mia lament about her “big belly.” In that moment, I was transported back 25 years. I wanted to pause time and share the wisdom I lacked as a child. Acting quickly, I told Mia she was stunning, and thankfully, she smiled.

But here’s the truth: I’m scared. I’m terrified of my daughters feeling the same pain I experienced. I know how trivial it is to obsess over appearances, yet I grapple with how to instill this understanding in them. How do I help them recognize true beauty, which isn’t reflected in a mirror or defined by a size?

I need to impart the lessons on self-acceptance and health that I am still learning myself. It’s essential for Mia to know she can love herself and be happy. I want to guide her on a journey toward self-confidence, just as I hold her hand at night to soothe her to sleep. I am her mother, and every part of me—my triumphs and struggles—contributes to shaping her into a confident woman.

In closing, I admit my uncertainty. If these feelings arise again, I’m unsure how to help her navigate them. I fear for her emotional well-being and dread receiving a note similar to the one I once gave my mom. I promise to confront these fears for both our sakes.

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Summary:

This article reflects on a mother’s fears about teaching her daughter self-acceptance, drawing from her own childhood insecurities. It emphasizes the importance of instilling confidence and love in her daughters while confronting her past struggles. The journey is ongoing, and the mother is committed to guiding her children through their self-image challenges.