“Mom, you know what really bugs me?”
“What’s that?”
“Whenever I have the right answer, the teacher never picks me. But when I don’t, I’m the one she calls on.”
“I get it, that’s so frustrating. It happened to me too.”
“And the worst part? She always gives the easy questions to the clever kids.”
The phrase “clever kids” lingered in the air, almost like a thought bubble from a cartoon, before it settled heavily on the plush rug in my child’s room. I paused, folding a tiny shirt, while my mind raced through potential responses to this unexpected declaration.
My first instinct was to echo the familiar refrain that there are no “clever kids” and to share the growth mindset mantra being promoted at her school: that intelligence is determined by effort. Yet, those words felt stuck in my throat as her observation echoed loudly in my mind.
Later that evening, as my partner and I tackled the laundry, I expressed my surprise that she had coined the term “clever kids.” Where had such an idea come from? How had she already, in just a few weeks of first grade, figured out who belonged to that group? And why was she questioning her own place in it so soon?
What struck me even more was that “clever kids” was a phrase I had encountered throughout my own upbringing—likely even in college and law school. While I might not vocalize it the same way now, it’s clear that adults still gauge their intelligence relative to those around them in various settings.
Do my colleagues see me as competent? Will I look foolish at this gathering of more experienced individuals? Why can’t I articulate my thoughts as well as him? Oh no, my boss caught me in my nostalgic NKOTB tank top—will they see me as less intelligent now?
Reflecting on my own use of the term, I recalled that at 16, I gravitated towards clever kids because they made me laugh, and by 23, I sought them in study groups to elevate my own performance. At every stage, I had been drawn to the “smart ones.” These truths never made me feel any less capable.
So why did her words unsettle me? Was it simply that this topic sits within a complicated gray area of honesty versus shielding childhood innocence? I know that once this conversation is shared, some will inevitably ask, “Who does she think is clever? Was it so-and-so?” It’s unrealistic to pretend this kind of evaluation doesn’t happen at any age.
While it feels awkward to let that phrase linger between us, it would be far worse to diminish her reality or cause her to doubt her social insights. I want her to feel comfortable sharing her observations without the fear of judgment.
So, I choose to embrace her perspective. I’ll continue to emphasize that her achievements will stem from her efforts and remind her that “clever” is just one of many admirable qualities people can possess. Above all, I refuse to invalidate her perceptions. Perhaps this isn’t the definitive answer, but it’s my best approach, and that’s enough.
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Summary:
Navigating the complexities of childhood perceptions of intelligence can be daunting for parents. When a young child identifies “clever kids,” it raises questions about societal labels and self-worth. It’s essential to foster an environment where children feel free to express their observations while reinforcing the idea that intelligence is tied to effort. Encouraging a growth mindset and recognizing that everyone has unique strengths can help children thrive.