Since going through my divorce five years ago, I’ve received messages from friends, acquaintances, and even distant contacts asking for advice. The subject lines are usually vague, like “Let’s chat?” or “Quick coffee?” but I can usually guess what they’re reaching out about.
I have mixed feelings about these messages. While I never want anyone to endure the pain I experienced, I appreciate the opportunity to offer support during such a challenging period in their lives. Over time, I’ve developed a sort of checklist to share. Here are six key points I emphasize to anyone thinking about divorce.
1. Pause and Reflect
Many people seem surprised when I suggest they reconsider. While my divorce was ultimately the right choice for me, I don’t believe it’s the best path for every troubled marriage. Unless there’s abuse or addiction involved, I urge them to think carefully, especially if kids are in the picture. If there’s any other option, it’s worth exploring.
I’m not a therapist, but I often ask these questions to help clarify feelings: Do you still love your partner? If not, what would need to change? Is your spouse open to working on the relationship? Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours? Sometimes, with effort, marriages can be salvaged. In fact, three of my friends who sought my advice ended up reconciling and are now in happier situations.
2. Prioritize Sleep
Marriage troubles and restful nights don’t usually coexist. Late-night arguments and worries can lead to sleeplessness. Personally, I struggled with insomnia for years before and after my divorce. I tried various remedies—medications, herbal solutions, and even calming podcasts—but nothing was as effective as getting a regular sleep schedule.
Making important life decisions while sleep-deprived is challenging. I encourage anyone in this situation to find ways to rest—whether that’s staying at a hotel, letting grandparents take the kids for a while, or meditating. You can always deal with the repercussions later.
3. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
Married friends sometimes express jealousy over my two evenings without kids each week. And yes, having more personal time is a perk. I also enjoy the freedom to make decisions about activities, spending, and travel without needing to consult anyone.
However, while I feel more fulfilled alone than I did in my marriage, life is still complex. I’m the primary caregiver and provider for my children, which means I handle everything from finances to doctor’s appointments. While some aspects of life improve, others can become more burdensome.
4. Consult a Lawyer
If someone is still considering divorce after our conversation, I recommend contacting a lawyer. This step might feel daunting, but understanding the legal process and potential financial implications is critical. Even in amicable splits, knowing your rights and responsibilities is vital.
5. Accept Support
Going through this alone is not advisable. I was fortunate to have family support, but I didn’t share the full extent of my marital issues with friends until I was already separated. Once I opened up, I realized how much I had missed out on by not asking for help sooner. Friends and family genuinely want to assist, whether it’s babysitting, helping with moves, or just providing companionship.
6. You Will Be Alright
I have a print in my kitchen that says: “Everything is going to be okay. Maybe not today, but eventually.” This sentiment has been a comforting reminder through my journey. I’ve heard heartbreaking stories: a woman discovering her husband’s infidelity after two decades, a friend who was left financially devastated, and another who faced infidelity after their second child was born. All of them are now thriving in their new lives.
While it may be hard to see at the moment, things will eventually get better. Now, prioritize your rest.
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Summary
Navigating the decision to divorce is complex. Consider reflecting on your feelings, prioritizing sleep, understanding the realities of single life, consulting legal professionals, accepting help from others, and remembering that healing takes time. Everyone’s journey is unique, but eventually, things will improve.