Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 20, 2015
As the autumn television season faded away, many of us still felt the void left by the absence of Parenthood in our living rooms. One particular scene from the final season stuck with me: Julia (played by Erika Christensen) and Joel (portrayed by Sam Jaeger) sitting silently in their car outside their home, hands gesturing frantically in the darkness. In that moment, I recognized a challenge that resonates deeply in my own life: Where can couples argue without fear?
Navigating disagreements with your partner—let’s be honest, battles—while raising children is quite the conundrum! I’ve wrestled with this dilemma for more than 15 years. It’s crucial for parents to express their frustrations without worrying about scaring their children or what the neighbors might think. Yes, kids need to learn about conflict resolution, but I’m referring to those significant disputes—the ones you hope your little ones never overhear, especially when they revolve around parenting.
In my family, we inhabit a spacious two-story home with hardwood floors that amplify every sound. There’s truly no escaping the noise, particularly my husband’s deep voice, which can resonate through the entire house. Our children, unintentionally, have become privy to our loud disagreements, witnessing name-calling and the occasional coffee mug shattering on the kitchen counter. I still remember the day my then-7-year-old asked, “Mommy, are you and Daddy getting a divorce?” That moment is etched in both our memories and it’s something I can’t just erase.
Living in a suburban neighborhood where homes are often mere arm’s reach apart adds to the challenge. When we argue, I often catch myself glancing at our open windows, wondering if a neighbor might call Child Protective Services on us. Even planning a babysitter to carve out time for a serious discussion can be a hassle. Arguments can erupt unexpectedly, making it difficult to wait for a designated time that might be days away.
And if we do manage to schedule a “fighting date,” where do we go? It’s not exactly appropriate to have an intense discussion at a café, nor do I want to disrupt everyone’s day at the park. Friends have shared tales of tear-filled dinner dates as they grappled with weighty issues far from their kids.
Having children often makes us more reluctant to engage in disputes. I grew up in an environment where showing emotion was frowned upon, while my husband comes from a loud and expressive family. In times of conflict, when his frustration bubbled over, I would often retreat into silence rather than risk exposing our kids to a full-blown argument. But I questioned what kind of message that sent to our daughters about expressing their opinions. Was I always appearing to “give in”? While I might have thought I was avoiding confrontation, my silence only led to other issues, leaving the kids confused.
As our daughters matured, I decided it was essential to embrace the risk of open disagreement with my husband instead of shutting down. I strive to communicate respectfully and seek mutual respect in return. Thankfully, after two decades together, we’ve learned to navigate each other’s triggers and have fewer explosive arguments. We attempt to walk away before tensions escalate, understanding each other’s moods better. For instance, I’ve learned not to bombard him with questions the moment he walks in from work, and he knows to give me space when I’m frantically tidying up.
However, there are still instances where it seems impossible to avoid a major blowout due to a buildup of frustrations or valid grievances. And the quest for a safe environment to express that anger remains elusive when children are around. When I saw Joel and Julia in their car, I thought, “This is brilliant!” Once again, Parenthood accurately depicted a struggle that often goes unspoken. Even if my husband and I don’t physically retreat to our vehicle to argue, perhaps we should all consider more innovative solutions for “parents’ fighting spaces.”
For now, I can’t think of a better place than the tinted windows of my car in our driveway. Although, while waiting for my daughter at her dance class, she has mentioned, “You know, I can hear you talking on the phone, even with the doors shut.” I might just need to borrow Joel and Julia’s car for those tougher conversations.
In conclusion, finding a space for parents to express their disagreements is vital for maintaining healthy relationships and setting an example for children. It’s not just about avoiding conflict; it’s about teaching our kids that it’s okay to voice opinions and resolve issues respectfully.
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