Navigating life as a divorced mom has been my reality for about ten months now. I won’t count the year we spent separated, as I held onto the hope that we might reconcile. Though ten months seems brief, it’s been sufficient time for the dust to settle, allowing me to face my feelings head-on.
So where am I now? I’m feeling broken.
This isn’t about still having feelings for my ex or mourning a lack of companionship. Yes, my heart took quite a beating throughout this process. I fought hard for our marriage, clinging to the belief that things could change, despite clear signs that our relationship wasn’t going to mend. While some of the initial pain has eased, what continues to trouble me are the voids created by my new reality, especially as a mother.
My daughter, Lily, is six years old. She’s learned to navigate two homes, each with its own parenting style and lifestyle. She’s had to adjust to this new normal, but she still remembers the days when things were different—when she had two parents living under one roof. She recalls asking her dad for things when I was busy and those cherished family dinners where we were all together. That sense of safety and unity is now a distant memory.
This void in her life is what brings me the greatest heartache.
I recognize that divorced families are now commonplace; this has been true for decades. Yet, that doesn’t lessen the pain children feel. Lily is doing well overall—she doesn’t have behavioral issues or severe emotional distress—but she still experiences hurt. She’s sensitive and often worries about how her choices might affect us, like when she prefers to be with me on her dad’s visitation nights. She expresses how much she misses the days when her dad lived with us, and every time she asks if he’ll ever come back, it stings like the first time she ever inquired. This is a significant part of her development and not the path I envisioned for her.
I never anticipated going through this alone. Yes, we co-parent and, at times, do so effectively. But it’s not the family life I envisioned. The absence of a partner leaves an enormous gap in my life. I didn’t get married and have a child just to shuffle her between two homes. It’s more than just wanting someone to share parenting responsibilities; I didn’t want to face meals with an empty chair or feel the loneliness of an unoccupied spot on the couch after putting Lily to bed. Making decisions solo, or being the only one to comfort a sick child at 2 a.m., is deeply painful. What I miss most is the person who helped create this life with me.
There are moments of jealousy when I see intact families in public. Watching friends share their happy anniversaries and family milestones on social media can be overwhelming, and I often struggle with feelings of bitterness.
The emptiness I feel when Lily is at her dad’s house is profound. Those nights when I’m not with her—missing out on her life—leave me with a hollow ache. I pass her empty room at night, and the realization that I can’t be there to soothe her if she wakes up scared or unwell is heart-wrenching.
While I do appreciate the moments of solitude, they come with their own set of worries. It’s not a break from the anxiety of wondering if she’s eating well, feeling okay, or simply happy. It’s not the kind of break I envisioned for myself.
People sometimes say I’m “lucky” because her father is involved, but I disagree. It’s not luck that the man I chose to marry and have a child with decided he no longer wanted to be my husband or, at times, a father. It’s unfortunate. While I’m grateful he fulfills some of his responsibilities, I wish we could both be fully committed to parenting as a united family, but that’s not our reality now. I’m left to accept what he’s willing to give to Lily.
This brokenness can feel isolating, and I’ve allowed it to take away much of my joy. I spent countless nights in tears, mourning the fragments of what once was. Last year at this time, I was entrenched in the divorce process, watching my life shatter and holding my breath to see where the pieces would fall. They’ve settled, and while it’s created a mess, I’ve learned that some broken things can’t be fixed.
Instead of attempting to put everything back together, I’m focused on creating something new and beautiful from the chaos. I’m learning that my new normal is a powerful lesson in independence and strength. Accepting a certain amount of brokenness is part of my journey, and I’m learning to embrace it because it’s how life is now.
If this resonates with you, consider checking out our other blog posts like this one for more insights on parenting and family dynamics in the face of change.
Summary
The journey of navigating divorce as a mother can be challenging and filled with feelings of loss and loneliness. As Jessica reflects on her experiences, she recognizes the complexities that come with raising a child in two separate households. While the emotional voids are significant, she is learning to embrace her new reality and find strength in independence.