When scrolling through social media, adoption often brings forth phrases like “born in my heart, not under it,” along with heartwarming memes about being “chosen” and “blessed.” However, beneath the surface lies a complex tapestry of emotions, including the heartache of a birth mother grappling with her choice and the multifaceted feelings surrounding the notion of being “born in my heart.”
As a mother of three—two of whom are adopted (one came through natural childbirth, while the other two joined our family from China)—I have grown to see my children holistically, not just as my “adopted” kids. It’s been over two years since our last adoption was finalized, and the period of adjustment has long passed. Now, we embrace the beautiful chaos that is our family life, which is definitely my version of “normal.”
Those sweet adoption memes I see on my Facebook feed resonate deeply with me. My family has been shaped by adoption, offering me invaluable lessons about my identity and life’s journey. Reflecting on our experiences, I often find myself pondering how I arrived at this point in my life. It’s true that life in my 40s has taken unexpected turns—shifts I’d never have envisioned in my 20s when I was caught up in my own world.
Adoption has led me to explore new territories—both literally and metaphorically. Here are four key lessons I’ve learned through this incredible journey:
1. Embracing New Cultures:
Growing up in South Texas, my celebrations revolved around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the joys of Tex-Mex cuisine. Welcoming Asian children into my family has opened my eyes to a broader cultural perspective. Though my kids are proud Texans, their ethnic backgrounds carry rich traditions that I strive to honor. I may not always get it right—Lunar New Year, Moon Festival, and Tomb-Sweeping are just a few events I’m still learning about—but this journey encourages me to expand my cultural horizons.
2. Understanding Hurt and Healing:
While I once viewed adoption purely as a joyous occasion, I’ve come to recognize its emotional complexities. Postpartum depression is widely acknowledged, but post-adoption depression? Not so much. This often-overlooked reality can feel isolating. During my visits to China, witnessing the plight of children without families broke my heart in ways I never anticipated, revealing a depth of sorrow intertwined with the joy of my own adoptions.
3. Cultivating Patience and Diplomacy:
I’ve always been someone who craved immediate results, but the adoption process has taught me the value of patience. The lengthy waiting periods and extensive paperwork can be daunting, akin to a protracted pregnancy. I’ve learned to accept situations beyond my control, which has made me a more patient parent. I’ve also developed a thicker skin against well-meaning yet intrusive questions like, “Why didn’t you adopt from your own country?” and “Why not adopt white or Black kids?” Instead of reacting with anger, I’ve learned the importance of guarding my children’s privacy and responding with grace.
4. Realizing Adoption is Second Choice but Not Second Best:
If I had been able to conceive naturally, adoption might not have been on our radar. Early on, I worried that I wouldn’t love my adopted children as deeply as I would a biological child. The bond took time to develop, but looking back, I can confidently say that my love for them is as profound as it is for any biological child. The struggles we faced in attachment were worth it; good things often come from overcoming challenges.
Although I often think I’ve seen it all, adoption continually surprises me. It has transformed my life in ways I never expected—full of vibrant, messy, and beautiful moments. To read more about related topics, check out this article on home insemination. It’s a reminder that learning and growth are ongoing processes.
In summary, my experience with adoption has reshaped my understanding of culture, emotional resilience, patience, and the true meaning of family. Life is an ever-evolving journey, and adoption has added rich layers to my story—one that I cherish deeply.