I woke up feeling as though I were suffocating. It was as if the weight of my deepest fears had settled heavily on my chest. My partner rushed to my side, wrapping his arms around me as the panic peaked and then gradually subsided. I trembled with cold, knowing that another day lay ahead. How did I end up here? It was just a baby.
Just days earlier, we had joyfully welcomed our first child—a beautiful baby boy I had longed for since I was a teenager. Although I had anticipated motherhood with excitement, I never expected this overwhelming anxiety to accompany my new role.
The delivery was challenging, and after three exhausting hours of labor, I felt desperate to hold my son. When he finally arrived, the exhaustion overshadowed the blissful moment I had envisioned. Instead of joy, anxiety was born alongside him, marking the beginning of my struggle with postpartum anxiety (PPA).
PPA is a formidable challenge that many mothers face. While we often hear about postpartum depression and the “baby blues,” anxiety can manifest differently. It may disguise itself as typical new mom worries, but when those worries spiral out of control, that’s when it becomes a concern. I was taken aback by how quickly and intensely it gripped me.
The following day, as the nurse wheeled us out of the hospital, I desperately sought reassurance. I yearned for something—anything—to let me know I would be alright. The drive home, late at night in January, felt like an eternity. Silence filled the car, but our minds were racing with unspoken fears. My partner was worried about my well-being, while I was terrified of losing control.
PPA manifests in various ways. For me, the sheer magnitude of change was overwhelming. I found myself consumed with worry: Would my baby sleep safely? Would he suffer from SIDS? Was I pumping and nursing correctly? I feared he wouldn’t get enough food and that I was failing him. The thought of being a family of three felt daunting, and I questioned my ability to balance my life, my relationship, and motherhood.
As my fears escalated, they became more irrational. I worried that something terrible would happen to my child because of my inadequacies. Most devastating was the fear that I didn’t love him, as I felt a void in my heart. I had never felt such sorrow for a little one who deserved the world, yet I felt incapable of giving it to him.
Anxiety is a cruel thief, robbing you of precious moments before you even realize it. For me, the first two months of my son’s life blurred by in a haze of fear, leaving me unable to fully embrace the joy of motherhood. I went through the motions of caring for my newborn while a fierce internal battle raged within me. I reached a breaking point and sought help from doctors, counselors, and friends. Some provided comfort, while others fell short. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, and the road to recovery is often winding and challenging.
If you find yourself in the midst of this struggle, know that brighter days are ahead. It’s understandable to feel disheartened when the idea of returning to “normal” seems distant. Be gentle with yourself; recovery takes time and varies for everyone. It might not be a dramatic turnaround but rather a subtle shift in your daily experience.
I remember the moment things began to shift for me. My mother had just left, and I was alone with my son—something I initially dreaded. That night, as I held him and began reading a book, I noticed a change. For the first time, I felt my heart awaken to hope, pushing through the darkness. I realized that we were going to be okay.
Looking back, it saddens me that anxiety stole some of the joy from my early days of motherhood. Those moments weren’t filled with laughter and coffee but instead were battles of survival. Although I feel a twinge of shame for not bonding immediately with my son, I remind myself that my strength came from fighting through the struggle. Each day spent overcoming panic and exhaustion, attending appointments, and seeking help became my battle scars. While scars remind us of pain, they also reflect how far we have come.
If you’re navigating this journey, remember that you’re not alone, and there is hope for a brighter tomorrow.
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