When I first discovered I was pregnant, a whirlwind of emotions engulfed me—relief intertwined with anxiety and pure joy. After battling health challenges that threatened my fertility, the news that I was going to become a parent was a dream come true for my partner, Jake, and me.
I eagerly researched the early signs of pregnancy, finding myself looking forward to the typical symptoms. However, before my initial doctor’s appointment, the joy turned to despair when I began experiencing cramps and bleeding. My doctor delivered the heartbreaking confirmation: I had suffered a miscarriage.
The journey to parenthood has been anything but straightforward. While I am grateful for my four children, I also carry the weight of the twelve little ones I never got to meet. The grief from those losses was deeper than I ever anticipated, and it has profoundly influenced my parenting style in ways I hadn’t initially recognized.
I believe every parent’s approach evolves after they welcome children into their lives, but for me, my experiences with miscarriage have significantly shaped my parenting in the following ways:
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A Hesitant Attachment
I always imagined the moment I held my child for the first time would be filled with overwhelming love. Instead, I was consumed by fear. I was terrified of becoming attached, fearing that my love might be lost just as suddenly as it had been found. The grief I experienced initially delayed my bonding with my child, but when I finally embraced that love, it was an indescribable, breathtaking feeling. -
Hovering More Than I Intended
The term “helicopter parenting” often carries a negative connotation, with many criticizing parents who are overly protective. Unfortunately, I find myself falling into that category. I always envisioned being the kind of mother who encouraged independence while still providing support. However, after my losses, I became acutely aware of how fragile life can be, leading to an instinct to hover over my kids, striving to keep them safe and happy, ensuring they never feel the depths of sadness that I have. -
Finding Joy in Everyday Chaos
As a mom, there are times when I crave silence amidst the hustle and bustle of four active children. Yet, I cherish those noisy moments more than I ever thought possible. Having faced the silence of longing for children, I now embrace every joyful noise, every mess, and every moment that comes with raising kids. -
Guilt in Motherhood Complaints
Motherhood can be exhausting, and there are days when I feel overwhelmed and wish for a moment of peace. However, each time I catch myself complaining, a voice in my head reminds me of the battles I faced to have my children. This leads to a wave of guilt, as I know there are many still struggling to start their families. While I try to acknowledge my feelings, silencing that guilt isn’t always easy. -
Embracing Open Communication
After my first miscarriage, I felt an overwhelming sense of isolation and struggled to express my feelings. No one in my circle openly discussed such a painful topic, which left me feeling uncertain. As a parent, I am committed to fostering open dialogues with my children about difficult subjects, from emotions to death. Even at their young ages of 10, 9, 7, and 2, we’ve had meaningful conversations that I hope will make them feel comfortable discussing anything with me.
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In summary, my journey through miscarriage has shaped my parenting in profound ways, guiding me to be more patient, more open, and more aware of the fragility of life. Each day with my children is a reminder of the love and hope that have emerged from my struggles.