Updated: July 13, 2023
Originally Published: Dec. 14, 2015
As I found myself scrubbing my step-daughter Lily’s beloved unicorn sheets at three in the morning, I had a lightbulb moment—parenting is pretty amazing! Okay, maybe not at three a.m., but overall, I cherish every moment.
For many, the idea of truly enjoying being a step-parent is surprising, and I’ve encountered a slew of comments that really get under my skin. Some have made me question my connection with my unicorn-loving little girl. Here are the five things that I wish people would stop saying:
5. Are You Planning to Have Kids of Your Own?
This question is not only annoying, but it also feels disrespectful to my husband. It suggests that because he shares custody of Lily, he doesn’t have a “real” child. Furthermore, I’m not comfortable discussing our family planning with just anyone. Instead of asking if we plan to have kids of our own, it should be phrased as, “Are you both thinking about expanding your family?” The answer is yes, and Lily is thrilled about becoming a big sister. She understands that we are a family and wants to grow it just like we do.
4. Are You Ready to be an Instant Mom?
Honestly, there’s nothing “instant” about parenting. My step-daughter isn’t a quick snack. Thankfully, I’ve been in her life since she was three. It wasn’t a case of me saying, “I love you, but I’ll wait until after marriage to get involved with your child.” Each family is unique, and I believe in nurturing a solid bond with my step-child. Building that relationship takes time and care.
3. Are You a Wicked Stepmother?
Oh, how original! The stereotype of the “wicked stepmother” is so ingrained in our culture. Any parent will tell you that you can’t be a friend all the time. Just because I’m a step-parent doesn’t mean I’m evil. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Disciplining a child is challenging, whether you’re a biological parent or a step-parent. My husband and I set the rules, and while Lily usually follows them, there are times when she misbehaves. When I’m alone with her, I have to enforce discipline too. I hope that taking away her unicorn figurines for time-out doesn’t make me wicked.
2. You Don’t Have Kids… Well, Not Really.
This comment often surfaces when I’m in discussions with other “real” parents talking about bedtime routines, educational toys, and parenting styles. I’ve felt hesitant to chime in during these conversations because “real” parents tend to dismiss me, leaving me feeling as awkward as a middle-schooler at a dance. But I’ve tried to share my experiences and suggestions, only to be met with the comment that I “don’t have children.” The truth is, I do. I may not have physically given birth to Lily, but she is my child. Just like adoptive parents, I am just as much a mom as anyone else.
1. Just You Wait.
This often comes up when I voice my thoughts on parenting, but wait for what? To change diapers? To deal with bedtime battles? Or to wake up at 2 a.m. because she had a nightmare? Let me clarify—I am deeply involved in Lily’s life. I don’t just set her down with a movie and leave her to fend for herself. That’s not how it works.
What’s most frustrating is that these comments often come from friends or family members. However, I’ve learned to handle them better over the years. The hugs and laughter from my step-daughter are real and meaningful, not someone else’s responsibility. If you’re facing similar comments, know that you’re not alone! And for those who might have made these remarks, a little understanding goes a long way. Step-parents everywhere appreciate your kindness.
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Summary
Being a step-parent brings unique challenges and joys, and certain comments can be particularly frustrating. From questioning future children to dismissing genuine parenting experiences, it’s important to recognize that all parents, including step-parents, share the same responsibilities and love for their children. Understanding and support from friends and family can make a significant difference.