Menu: Parenting
We Are a Genuine Family, Thank You Very Much
by Emma Williams
Updated: Aug. 16, 2023
Originally Published: Dec. 17, 2015
My family is no stranger to curious looks, probing questions, and assumptions. Since my partner and I became parents over five years ago, we’ve encountered a wide range of inquiries.
- “Are all these kids yours?”
- “I could never give away my baby.”
- “Are you the nanny?”
- “Isn’t adoption super pricey?”
- “What country do they come from?”
- “Why didn’t you adopt white children?”
- “Don’t adopted kids often have issues?”
- “Doesn’t open adoption confuse them?”
- “Oh, how wonderful that you adopted children in need of homes.”
- “Are they foster children?”
- “Are you worried their birth parents might want them back?”
We’ve become adept at navigating the flood of questions that come our way. Almost daily, we’re approached by someone wanting to know more about our adoption journey.
Many assume we’ve taken on the role of adoption educators. After all, we chose this path, and our family’s diversity is evident—we’re a white couple with three black kids. Over the years, we’ve grown more outgoing, patient, and resilient. We understand the importance of responding with kindness and honesty while respecting our children’s privacy.
However, one question consistently strikes a nerve, leaving me feeling tense and frustrated:
“Are they real siblings?”
Picture this: You’re at the store with your family, and as you juggle your lively kids—who are bouncing around and giggling—a stranger turns to you and asks, “Are they real siblings?” It’s an unexpected question, one you definitely don’t want to hear while managing a cart overflowing with groceries and a toddler who’s discovered your wallet.
Why is it unexpected? Because you’re simply a parent trying to ensure your kids are happy, safe, and cared for while shopping for everyday necessities. Most importantly, your children are right there with you, deserving of respect and the freedom to simply be kids. They’re not props for someone to question about adoption.
Think about the people you cherish. Your best friend. Your partner. Your parents. Your sister’s child. Your kind neighbor. These are the individuals who have been there for you through thick and thin, who love you for who you are, regardless of biological ties.
Many times, I’ve faced the “real” question, which often substitutes “real” for “biological.” While I understand the intent, I urge you to consider the innocent, beautiful kids with me. The term “real” can be confusing and hurtful.
My kids behave just like any other siblings—pulling hair, hugging, stealing toys, sharing bath time, and playing games together. They argue, make up, and then argue again. They dance when their favorite song comes on and care for one another.
My children are real people with emotions and thoughts. Spoiler alert: they can hear you when you question our family’s authenticity.
Our love is genuine. Our family is real. Everything about us is true.
So, the next time you see a family that may not look conventionally related—perhaps through adoption—it’s perfectly fine to smile. Just please refrain from using the word “real.” As my mother used to say, just because you think it doesn’t mean you need to say it out loud.
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Summary:
Navigating the world of adoption often involves facing intrusive questions and assumptions about family dynamics. While the love and connection within an adoptive family are just as real as any biological ties, certain phrases can be hurtful. It’s essential to recognize and respect the integrity of all families, regardless of their structure.