I see you—the confident parent with your spirited, carefree child. I notice how your expression shifts when I explain why my child is in treatment. You may think I don’t perceive it, but I do. It’s a blend of sympathy, worry, and judgment. It communicates, “This could never happen to my child.” Sadly, this is a look I’ve become accustomed to over the past several months.
Honestly, I never imagined this would happen to my child either. I was just like you, pondering what kind of upbringing must have led to such struggles and secretly believing that parents are often, at least partially, to blame.
But my child was once radiant, just like yours.
Now, that vibrant spirit who used to brighten every room is receiving intensive care for an eating disorder and self-harming behaviors that tragically escalated into a suicide attempt.
I understand—it’s easier to think these situations only occur to others or that they’re the result of poor parenting choices. It feels safer to believe that there’s a remedy achievable through just being a good enough parent—by loving enough, hugging enough, or whatever else is deemed sufficient. I completely get it; I believed it too.
Yet, I am a dedicated mother. I listen to my children and allow them to express their true selves. I don’t resort to yelling or physical discipline. Our home is filled with laughter, love, and warmth. We may not have abundant wealth, but we have enough. My children lack for nothing—there’s always food on the table, a cozy apartment, comfortable beds, and shelves brimming with books.
We gather in front of the fireplace to enjoy movies and shows together. We color, play games, and candidly discuss our days. Emotions like anger or sadness are not shunned; we acknowledge them. We respect each other’s space when needed and offer hugs when appropriate. Our two cats are cherished and spoiled by everyone in the family.
We live like any typical family should.
My daughter has a circle of friends who adore her. She belongs to a vibrant, loving community. An exemplary student, she earns straight A’s and is the kind of kid every teacher wishes to have in their class. Parent-teacher conferences are filled with glowing praises for her. She has played the clarinet for six years and is now learning the guitar. Her singing voice is angelic—she could easily land a record deal if she pursued it.
She is witty, intelligent, polite, and incredibly kind. With aspirations of becoming a veterinarian due to her love for animals, she is a vegetarian for the same reason. If you were to meet her, you wouldn’t see anything amiss. From an outsider’s perspective, she’s much like your child, I’d wager.
It’s crucial to highlight this because our perceptions of mental illness are often distorted. Media portrayals lead us to believe that “real” mental health issues are always overt and typically pose a threat to others. We associate mental illness with violence and crime, but we rarely see the everyday reality—like a seemingly normal teenage girl battling self-starvation, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts until it becomes critical.
What you don’t see is the mask many wear to appear fine, the forced smile, and the insistence that they’re okay even when they’re not. You don’t witness the shame and guilt that accompany mental illness or the minimization and ridicule—even from well-meaning friends and family. You don’t hear the disparaging remarks, like “you’re just seeking attention” or “stop acting that way.” Those narratives don’t typically make headlines.
So, it’s no wonder you look at me as if I am somehow responsible or negligent in preventing this. I understand the narrative you’ve been fed, but I’m here to tell you it’s not the full story—not even close.
My child was once filled with joy, just like yours.
Until she wasn’t.
When I recognized that I couldn’t navigate my daughter’s emotional struggles alone, I sought out one of the best adolescent therapists available. I drove her to weekly sessions, waiting patiently in the car or the lobby as she worked through her feelings and learned coping strategies.
When she requested a queer-friendly therapist, I complied. When the therapist suggested medication, I signed the necessary forms. When they recommended a different medication, I did that too.
When she confided in her therapist about her suicidal thoughts, I took her to the emergency room and allowed them to place her in inpatient care. When she attempted to act on those thoughts, I returned her to the emergency room for the same care just weeks later. Throughout this, I reminded myself to remain calm, not to panic, and to breathe.
When she stopped eating and created strict rules around food to avoid gaining weight, and the inpatient team prioritized her suicide attempt over her eating disorder, I fought fiercely until they acknowledged that her eating issues were equally critical. I persisted until she secured a place at one of the leading recovery centers for eating disorders in the area.
I didn’t dismiss her struggles as typical teenage angst or attention-seeking behavior. From the moment I recognized the severity of the situation, I took action—everything that I was told I needed to do, and more. Navigating this system has not been straightforward, and I constantly question if I made the right choices, but I have certainly tried my best.
So, when you see me, don’t view me as a mother who must have erred or as someone who didn’t do enough to avert this crisis. See me as a mother fiercely fighting for her child’s life, just as you would for your own. Change your perspective on teenage mental health. Educate yourself. Stand against body shaming. Listen to your child and trust your instincts when something feels wrong.
Pity, concern, and judgment are unproductive. This could happen to your child just as easily as it did to mine. I hope it doesn’t, but it could.
And if it does, I will be here with you, standing in solidarity as you strive to ensure your child emerges from this situation intact, just as I am doing for mine. All I ask is that you extend the same understanding to me now.
If you would like to read more, check out this post on intracervicalinsemination.com about the importance of support systems in challenging times. For those interested in boosting fertility, Make a Mom offers excellent resources. Furthermore, Science Daily provides valuable insights into health and wellness.
In summary, mental health struggles can affect any family, regardless of appearances. It’s essential to approach the topic with compassion and understanding, rather than judgment. We must work together to create a supportive environment for all.