Many of us can recall moments from our childhoods when we were compelled to hug an unfamiliar, often unpleasant relative at family gatherings. Perhaps you even had to peck them on the cheek, leaving you with an unpleasant memory of slimy lips that lingers longer than it should. That’s a big reason why I’ve decided against making my kids engage in physical affection with anyone, ever.
I firmly believe that children should have the autonomy to refuse physical contact when it makes them uncomfortable. This sentiment is becoming increasingly recognized in modern parenting, as more parents advocate for their children’s rights to set personal boundaries. A recent article on this topic by Emily Collins discusses the importance of teaching kids about consent and bodily autonomy. While she acknowledges the need for this practice, she expresses concern that it may lead to feelings of isolation, stating, “I was raised to believe that our responsibility to others is sometimes expressed through our bodies.”
Interestingly, this is precisely the mindset that parents like me are striving to move away from. I don’t want my kids to feel they owe anyone—be it me, a grandparent, or even a friend—physical affection. Their bodies are theirs to control, and they should decide how and when to express affection.
While it may seem trivial, allowing children the choice to opt out of hugs and kisses empowers them significantly. We teach them that they have the right to say no to unwanted physical contact, which is vital in preventing more severe situations, such as sexual abuse. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in four girls and one in six boys will face sexual abuse before reaching adulthood. Experts suggest that teaching children about boundaries and their right to refuse can be crucial in helping protect them.
Think about it: as adults, we would find it bizarre to walk into a room and be told to hug a stranger simply because someone else thinks we should. “This is my friend,” your colleague might say at a party. “Go ahead and give him a hug!” You’d likely feel uncomfortable, and rightly so. Just like adults, children shouldn’t be expected to offer physical affection on command.
I’m not naturally inclined to hug, and I don’t expect my kids to be either. Instead, I encourage them to express themselves in whatever manner they choose, be it a hug, a handshake, a high five, or even just a friendly wave. I want them to interact on their terms, building confidence in their ability to establish and communicate their boundaries. After all, children are individuals too, and they deserve to be treated as such.
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In summary, fostering a sense of autonomy in children regarding physical affection can empower them and promote healthy boundaries. By allowing them to choose how they engage with others, we’re equipping them with valuable skills for both their childhood and future.