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The Phrase That Leaves Working Moms Feeling Uneasy
As a dedicated working mom, I juggle an office job from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. while leading a team and managing the daily chaos of family life. When the clock strikes five, I pick up my kids from after-school care, take them home, prepare dinner, help with their baths, engage in heartwarming chats, read bedtime stories, and reassure them of their worth every step of the way. Once they’re tucked in, I dive into chores like laundry and writing during what I fondly call my “me time.” My weekends are a whirlwind of driving them to dance and swimming lessons, ensuring they get all the extracurricular fun that’s hard to squeeze in during the busy week.
This is our reality. We repeat this routine week after week. It’s not inherently more “challenging” or “exhausting” than any other kind of motherhood. Trust me, I’ve experienced it all. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), a work-at-home mom (WAHM), and now, a working mom. Lately, there’s one phrase that really gets under my skin: “I don’t know how you do it!”
While I understand that it’s often said with good intentions, it carries an underlying message that diminishes the role of full-time working mothers. When someone exclaims, “I don’t know how you do it,” they might as well be saying:
‘It’s too much for one person.’
When did the combination of work and motherhood become viewed as an insurmountable task? At what point did society agree that women—who are masters at multitasking—couldn’t successfully manage a career and raise kids simultaneously? Why has pursuing fulfilling activities turned into a monumental challenge for mothers?
‘I couldn’t manage it.’
Actually, you could! In fact, you probably already do. There’s no need for a special skill or advanced degree to navigate my daily life, just as there isn’t for yours. We all wake up each morning and tackle a mix of enjoyable and necessary tasks. The specifics of our to-do lists don’t diminish the effort involved.
‘And what about the kids?’
During a recent parent-teacher conference, the teacher remarked, “Your son, Alex, must work harder than anyone! I see him bright and early in the morning, and he’s still here at after-school care when I leave in the evening. He must be exhausted!” And then came that phrase again: “I don’t know how you do it.”
With my cheerful child sitting right there, excelling in his studies, what’s the implication of such a comment? Yes, he has breakfast at school; if he didn’t, he’d just be having it at home! And sure, he goes to after-school care, where he enjoys snacks and plays with friends. It’s likely he’d be doing the same at home!
Shouldn’t we empower future generations to believe it’s possible to “have it all,” no matter what that looks like? Do we need to hint to a 7-year-old, who is thriving, that her parents are somehow failing her by working? More importantly, do we have to suggest that the hard work done by stay-at-home moms is somehow easier? If I’m scaling my own Everest as a working mother, what does that mean for those who choose to stay home? Are their challenges any less significant?
Telling a working mom, “I don’t know how you manage it,” is akin to telling a SAHM, “I don’t know how you do so little.” Back when I was a SAHM, hearing something like that would have made me furious, and rightly so. I was battling my own kind of Everest back then. I can’t think of a single mother I know who isn’t hustling hard every day. The notion that one type of motherhood is somehow superior to another is absurd.
While it’s wonderful to express admiration for one another, wouldn’t it be even better to do so without undermining each other?
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In summary, the phrase “I don’t know how you do it” can unintentionally convey messages that undermine the efforts of working mothers. It’s essential to recognize that all mothers, regardless of their choices, are working hard and deserving of respect and admiration.