As I reflect on my life before motherhood, I realize I never truly yearned for anything deeply or passionately. Sure, there were fleeting desires—a new doll in my childhood, staying up late to watch my favorite shows, or wishing to skip school for a day of fun. I entertained dreams of becoming a flight attendant or an archaeologist, but those ambitions felt more whimsical than concrete. I craved simplicity, avoided risks, and generally shied away from the spotlight.
Growing up, I often drove my mother up the wall with my casual indifference, tossing out phrases like “it doesn’t matter” or “whatever” to decisions big and small: college choices, dinner locations, even the color of napkins at my wedding. “Everything matters,” she’d insist, while I rolled my eyes, believing my carefree attitude made me seem cool and adaptable. However, this indifference led me to let life’s circumstances and other people make decisions for me. I moved, left graduate school, and made significant purchases with that same mindset. Ultimately, while things worked out, my nonchalant approach left me feeling powerless.
Then came motherhood. I must confess that even the choice to become a mother felt somewhat lackluster at first—just a natural next step in life. But once my child arrived, everything changed. For the first time in 35 years, I felt like a superhero. I discovered I could soothe a crying baby, multitask while breastfeeding, and function on little sleep. My confidence soared as I tackled challenges I never thought I could handle—like explaining the concept of loss to my toddler or constructing intricate Lego creations without a guide.
This newfound confidence sparked a realization: I wanted more from life. My time became precious, and my focus sharpened. I aspired to be a great mother, relishing in the small victories and everyday challenges of parenting. I wanted to experience the joy of my child’s milestones—the tantrums, the swimming lessons, the first homework assignment, and even the sass that comes with growing up. I craved to soak it all in.
But it didn’t stop there. I also longed for a fulfilling career. Until now, my jobs felt like mere obligations. Now, I yearned to excel at what I do, regardless of whether it involved uncovering ancient civilizations or finding innovative solutions in my field. I wanted to grow, learn, and make a meaningful impact—not just for myself, but for my child.
Having a hobby became essential too. Since my son was born, I’ve taken my writing seriously—not just because I feel I have something worthwhile to express, but also because I want to model the importance of taking risks and sharing one’s voice for my son. It matters that he sees me pursue my passions.
I craved friendships and quality time with interesting people. I wanted to travel, to embrace passion and wild experiences. I envisioned late nights filled with laughter, sipping wine with new friends in foreign lands. I yearned for both the tranquility of solitude and the vibrant chaos of life. I wanted it all—every little bit.
Yet, amidst these desires, some days all I wanted was a good nap and five undisturbed minutes in the bathroom. It seemed that should suffice, right? Yet suddenly, it wasn’t enough.
Motherhood has instilled in me a sense of urgency and clarity about time. It’s not just my son who is growing older—it’s me too. I want him to see more than just the mom who cooks his favorite meals. I want to be an example of someone who pursues life passionately.
Now, everything feels significant. In my younger years, I lacked a strong direction; now, being a parent is the primary lens through which I measure everything else. I must truly desire something to prioritize it over my child.
I don’t chase lofty dreams of “having it all”—I know that some of my aspirations may remain unfulfilled. Yet having these desires gives my life meaning. The tough choices and sacrifices remind me that I’m engaged with what truly matters in life.
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Summary:
Motherhood transformed my outlook on life, igniting aspirations I never knew I had. I now crave to be an engaged mother, excel in my career, and pursue hobbies and friendships. Although I recognize that not all desires may be fulfilled, having these wants gives my life purpose and clarity, reminding me to focus on what truly matters.