After the birth of my daughter, I took three weeks off, which some might call indulgent. Since I primarily work from home, it felt like my routine remained unchanged. I wore my comfy yoga pants, after all. However, returning to work just three weeks after welcoming my second child was far from the leisurely maternity leave I had envisioned.
My infant daughter, a night owl, refused to sleep before 8 p.m., so I found myself working late into the night, balancing my professional and personal life in a haze of exhaustion. I cherish the candid photo my partner snapped during one of those late-night work sessions: me in my yoga pants, glasses perched on my nose, baby nestled in my lap, and our faces illuminated by the glow of the laptop. This snapshot captures the chaos of that time, eliciting a bittersweet mix of joy and sorrow. It’s not that I resent my work; rather, I’m simply overwhelmed. The notion of “having it all” can be incredibly draining, and amidst the myriad discussions online about leaning in or leaning out, I believe one critical aspect is often overlooked: the individual woman—the real mom navigating the delicate balance of life.
Like many mothers, I’ve navigated the unique challenges of juggling responsibilities. I’ve managed to change a diaper during calls, breastfed while grading assignments, and even pumped in the car between meetings. While I may have been solo during those car sessions, I’m certainly not alone in experiencing the whirlwind of simultaneous professional and personal commitments.
The idea of “having it all” manifests differently for each woman. Some may wonder how I can confidently voice my experiences when my work-from-home mom lifestyle resembles that of a stay-at-home mom at times, particularly when you see me at Trader Joe’s with my two energetic toddlers and a growing belly. Yet, in the gaps between grocery runs, zoo trips, and park playdates, I’m actively working part-time across various roles—I write, teach, consult, volunteer, parent, and handle household tasks. I even learned to outsource cleaning after realizing that it was an area I simply couldn’t tackle alone.
If you haven’t read “Caps for Sale” lately, consider this: a peddler carries different colored caps on his head, and the imagery is quite striking. He looks rather silly, doesn’t he? This visual resonates with me because it reflects the absurdity of modern motherhood—many of us carry an overwhelming load, just like that peddler who ultimately succumbs to exhaustion beneath a tree.
As a mother, I often find myself dishing out advice to my children that I desperately need to internalize. Just the other night, I told my daughter, “Not having cookies right now doesn’t mean you can’t have them later. It’s dinnertime, and we need to eat first.” But why do I expect to have all my desires met simultaneously? Why do I feel compelled to juggle everything at once?
The truth is, I don’t need to wear all those hats at the same time. Yet, in the quest to “have it all,” many of us mistakenly believe we must achieve everything we want all at once, which is overwhelming and often impossible. Instead of constantly leaning in or out, perhaps it’s time to stand tall, reassess our priorities, and consider what all this leaning is truly for.
I could conclude with a platitude about cherishing these fleeting moments of motherhood or stressing the importance of career milestones, but that’s not my intention here. Each of our journeys is unique—I can’t dictate which responsibilities you should keep or which ones you should let go.
The essence of this reflection is about us—individual mothers navigating the complex landscape of life. We take on numerous roles, many of which are fulfilling, while others may not serve us as well. I’ve come to realize that it’s perfectly acceptable to take off a few hats, perhaps even the best choice for our well-being. Those other responsibilities will still be waiting for us when we’re ready to tackle them again, just like cookies waiting after dinner.
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Summary:
In navigating motherhood, many women feel pressured to “have it all” simultaneously, leading to exhaustion. Instead of constantly leaning in or out, it’s essential to stand tall and reassess what truly matters. By acknowledging our individual needs and responsibilities, we can choose which roles to prioritize, ultimately leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.