For our tenth anniversary, I decided to buy my husband a gift, thinking it was a customary gesture. I ended up tossing it at him. That was six years ago, and yet here we are, still married.
I have a strong belief in the possibility of divorce. A marriage can only be held together by one person for so long. Despite the challenging years filled with stress and frustration, I’ve been happily married to the same man for over 16 years.
Offering marital advice can be a tricky endeavor. Each relationship is unique, influenced by countless factors that make it impossible to address everyone’s specific issues. However, I do have some insights:
- At some point, your partner will likely make you feel a wave of disgust. It’s unpleasant, but it’s part of the journey.
- The worries you start with will often linger, even if your circumstances shift. In my early years, I was constantly anxious about money, and although we are stable now, I still find myself stressing about whether our debit card will work.
- Change is inevitable. Life experiences shape us, and that’s the essence of growth.
- Your partner will evolve as well.
- Even if you share everything (which can be a bit much), you’ll still grow in different ways. You each have distinct backgrounds and perspectives, which means a sunset might look different to each of you.
Given these realities, how have I managed to stay married? For starters, my husband is genuinely a good person. This is a major advantage. We complement each other well with our diverse strengths and personalities. I’m energetic and often restless, while he is steady and methodical. His ability to stay calm is something I didn’t appreciate until after we tied the knot.
Communication plays a crucial role in our relationship. We both choose our words carefully, ensuring we don’t say things we can’t take back. Even in moments of anger, I’ve been mindful of the long-term effects of my words, and I feel my husband approaches it the same way.
I sometimes wish he would express anger or passion more openly. His calm demeanor can be frustrating, but in the grand scheme, it’s beneficial.
Recently, I wrote an article interviewing several couples’ counselors. Initially, I thought my marriage was lacking, but after consulting the experts, I realized we have a pretty solid relationship. They highlighted significant warning signs, like rolling your eyes during conversations. I can’t fathom treating my husband that way, even on tough days.
There was, however, a particularly challenging year—what I like to call a Very Bad Year (VBY). Our tenth anniversary fell right in the middle of it. I often contemplated leaving, fantasizing about where I would live and how we would share custody of the kids.
During a family trip to Costa Rica, I can vividly remember sitting in the passenger seat and repeatedly thinking, “I want to leave.” I was not easy to be around during that time.
My husband was struggling to complete important tasks—a bathroom renovation and his master’s degree, for instance. This procrastination frustrated me immensely, and it felt like he was saying my opinions didn’t matter. Then, I found out I was pregnant, and the morning sickness hit hard. I felt trapped and unable to work, living off Ruby Red grapefruit juice. It was a frustrating and isolating experience.
After my second child was born, my depression persisted despite treatment. I have little recollection of that period. About a year and a half after my initial frustrations, my husband chose to make some changes. When I asked him why, I saw a tenderness in his expression. He didn’t want to lose me or continue in a marriage that felt like it was merely surviving.
Of course, we’ve faced other challenges. He still struggles with budgeting while grocery shopping, and our timelines rarely align. But the key to enduring a marriage is to keep moving forward and avoid making impulsive decisions. Look for the positive traits in your partner, even if it seems difficult at times; after all, you chose to be with this person for a reason.
Should you stay together? Honestly, I’m not sure. But if both of you are willing to keep trying, give it your best effort for as long as you can. If one of you is no longer willing to put in the work, it might be time to consider ending things—at least you’ll know you did everything you could to make it work.
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In summary, marriage is a complex journey filled with ups and downs. By focusing on communication, understanding, and growth, it’s possible to navigate the tough times and come out stronger on the other end.