I’m a dad to two wonderful daughters. My home is filled with pink bows, baby dolls, and endless renditions of songs from Frozen. My eldest is a little like me—she has blue eyes, a laid-back demeanor, and could spend hours lost in a book. My younger daughter, however, takes after her mother with her olive skin, determination, and a spirited attitude. For a little over five years, our family of four has been just that—me, the dad, surrounded by three amazing girls (even our cat, Bella, is female).
Before my daughters arrived, friends often suggested I needed a son, someone who would mirror my interests in sports, yard work, and video games. But after welcoming my second daughter, I accepted the reality that I was destined to be a father to girls. I held on to the hope that one of them would eventually share my love for opening day baseball and the thrill of watching the Braves play. So far, no luck.
So, when my wife shared the news of her pregnancy in early September last year, I felt a surge of anticipation. I began dreaming about the possibility of having a son. Would we name him Jack? Max? Perhaps even Turner, after my favorite player? Just as quickly as those dreams formed, they shattered. My wife soon revealed her fears: she was experiencing a miscarriage.
We were both left in shock. Within a week of learning about the pregnancy, we were facing a loss. We hadn’t even had the chance to share the news with anyone or discuss baby names. It felt surreal that we could be preparing for a new addition only to find it slipping away.
Why did this happen? We were settled in a nice home, just minutes from supportive grandparents. Everything seemed perfect for expanding our family; we even had a minivan! Yet, here we were, grappling with a profound loss. My wife was hurting, and I was unsure of how to process my own emotions.
Much is said about how miscarriage affects women, and it’s widely accepted that their grief can often be deeper than what men experience. Unfortunately, there are few support systems for men navigating the complex feelings that accompany such losses. Society often teaches men to suppress emotions related to infertility, leaving many feeling ashamed to discuss it. A staggering fact is that in about 40% of couples facing infertility, the male partner plays a role in the struggle (American Society for Reproductive Medicine).
As men, we have a strong urge to fix things, to be the rock for our families. But how do we cope when we can’t even contribute to the reproductive process in a traditional sense?
I recall experiencing my first miscarriage with my wife, Sarah, back in October 2003. We were newlyweds, just three months into our marriage, living in a tiny apartment that barely fit our needs. Oddly, that first loss felt somewhat relieving; we weren’t ready for the responsibilities of parenthood just yet.
This time, however, things felt different. We’re older now, with two caring daughters who would be thrilled to welcome a new sibling. We’re ready in every conceivable way, making this loss particularly painful.
Fatherhood often carries an unspoken weight of masculinity. It’s almost as if achieving fatherhood is a rite of passage that validates a man’s identity. When that goal falters, it can lead to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. I know I’m not alone in this experience; many men have walked this path, yet we seldom share our thoughts or feelings openly. We don’t gather over coffee to discuss our struggles, feeling the need to project toughness and resilience.
However, while we focus on the heartache that women face during miscarriage, it’s crucial to remember that men also bear this burden. We may be silently enduring, working long hours, and engaging in conversations about sports and cars, all while grappling with the dreams of fatherhood that remain unfulfilled.
Sometimes, our little girls will ask for a baby brother or sister, as if it were a simple request. My wife and I exchange knowing glances, conveying our shared desire: We want one too. The future remains uncertain, but I refuse to let go of hope. After all, as a man, I strive to fix things, and that includes nurturing the dreams of our growing family.
For more information on the emotional aspects of this journey, check out this insightful blog post. And if you’re interested in home insemination options, visit Make a Mom to learn more about available kits. Additionally, Healthline provides excellent resources for understanding pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
In this heartfelt reflection, Jake Thompson shares his experience as a father of daughters and the emotional turmoil surrounding miscarriage. Balancing societal expectations of masculinity with the pain of loss, he emphasizes the importance of acknowledging men’s feelings during such difficult times. Despite the challenges, he holds onto hope for the future of his family.