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Dear Beloved Spouse,
Let me start by saying you’re truly wonderful. If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t have chosen to spend my life with you (and let’s be honest, my taste is on point). That said, there’s a little matter we need to address.
Your Bathroom Routine
It’s about your bathroom routine. Let’s just say, it could use some improvement, and I mean that on multiple levels.
I totally get that when nature calls, you’ve got to answer. However, I can’t help but notice the timing of your visits to the restroom, especially when we’re pulling into the driveway with a trunk full of groceries. Suddenly, it seems, you can’t possibly hold it any longer. You dash inside to “take care of business,” leaving me with all the perishables to unload. Funny how this “emergency” pops up at the most inconvenient times—like during bedtime chaos or when there are dishes in the sink that you’ve promised to tackle (sometime before the next meal). It feels a bit too … convenient for one of us.
We’re both grown-ups with plenty of experience in this area. So, it’s hard for me to believe that you simply can’t wait. Believe it or not, I have my moments too. Yet, I manage (okay, I’m often forced) to hold off until it’s a more suitable time. You’d be surprised how many school drop-off lines I’ve navigated with my cheeks clenched, silently praying for the cars ahead to move!
Despite my well-practiced skills, I’ve avoided any embarrassing incidents in public (well, mostly). When something needs my attention, I handle it before I make a beeline for the loo.
I’m not claiming to be a bathroom guru; I’m just a regular person who can identify a questionable pattern. Your sudden needs to “drop everything” seem a bit suspect.
Moreover, there’s a little incongruity between your urgent need to go and the duration of your stay. Typically, when one is on the verge of a crisis—as you claim to be—you’d expect it to be a quick trip. Yet, you often remain there for a good half-hour, engrossed in your phone. It’s hard to believe that a true “emergency” would keep you seated until your legs go numb.
While you indulge in your leisurely bathroom moments, time doesn’t stop for me. I’m busy managing the household: stashing the milk before it spoils, wrangling the kids into bed, and cleaning up before the dishes become a science experiment.
Oh, and by the way, the exhaust fan? It could use some help. While you might enjoy the ambiance of your own aroma, the rest of us would appreciate some fresh air—especially when the scent begins to permeate the hallway.
In Conclusion
I trust you see where I’m coming from. My dear, while you may excel at taking your time in the bathroom, it’s starting to drive me a little crazy. So, let’s remember a few things:
- Considerate bathroom habits are a kindness.
- The bathroom is not a personal retreat.
- If you’re there long enough for your legs to feel numb, maybe you didn’t need to go that badly in the first place.
I’m sharing this with you so you can reflect on it during your next extended session in the loo, which we both know is where you’ll be.
With love and a touch of concern,
Your Wife
P.S. For those considering other family planning options, check out this post on intracervical insemination, or visit Make a Mom for an authoritative guide on essential tools like an at-home insemination kit. Also, American Pregnancy offers excellent resources for donor insemination.