When it comes to childbirth and parenting, there’s a multitude of choices: natural birth, home births, C-sections, and epidurals. Then you have feeding options like breastfeeding, formula feeding, exclusive pumping, and baby-led weaning. There are differing views on discipline—spanking, time-outs, or gentle guidance. Parenting styles range from free-range to helicoptering. I’ve sifted through Dr. Sears’s books, What to Expect, Bringing Up Bébé, and Baby Wise. I’ve experienced both natural births and those with epidurals. I’ve breastfed, pumped, and used formula. I’ve tried pureed foods, whole foods, and yes, even fast food (don’t judge). I’ve given time-outs and felt the weight of a few spankings. I’ve cried beside my sleeping child, feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about my parenting choices.
I’ve encountered every argument, read countless blogs, and absorbed the advice of friends, family, and even strangers. There were moments when others’ opinions made me question my worth as a mother. But you know what? That all faded into insignificance for me two years ago.
I’m not special, nor am I enlightened. But my perspective shifted dramatically after a healthy pregnancy and a natural birth. My second son was diagnosed with a severe congenital heart defect shortly after birth, and after a long six months of battling for his life in a children’s hospital, he passed away in my arms.
The moment he was whisked away from me, the concept of the equalizer entered my life.
Suddenly, the typical mommy wars lost their grip on me. All the debates about parenting methods seemed trivial. The guilt and shame I once felt over my choices were rendered irrelevant. I connected with other mothers in the hospital, sharing our fears and hopes over coffee and during pumping sessions. It didn’t matter what our philosophies on feeding or discipline were; we were united by our shared experiences and the harsh reality that some things are beyond our control.
In those moments, we found the equalizer—a space where all differences disappeared, and we realized the importance of coming together, hand-in-hand, regardless of our prior divisions. We understood that life is fragile, and everything that once felt monumental faded away, leaving only love behind.
And so, we navigate our days not out of righteousness or superiority, but driven by the singular goal of ensuring our children breathe, thrive, and feel love. When we lose some of them, and their hearts stop beating, what truly matters is supporting each other, lifting one another through the overwhelming grief, and embracing the strength that comes from a community of mothers bound by love.
The equalizer—where we are all equals, united by an unwavering love for our children, regardless of our individual choices in parenting. Love is what connects us all.
This article was originally published on Jan. 9, 2016.
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In summary, the essence of parenting transcends choices and methods. It’s about love, connection, and support during the hardest times. The equalizer teaches us that in moments of vulnerability, we find strength in one another, united by the deepest love for our children.