Dear Non-Divorced Friend, Please Stop Telling Me How to Parent My Child

In today’s world, divorce is quite common, yet it seems many people who are still married fail to grasp the unspoken dynamics of co-parenting. I often find myself facing unsolicited advice from those who haven’t experienced the complexities of shared custody. While I wouldn’t wish the challenges of divorce on anyone, it would be fantastic if folks could gain a little understanding of what it’s like to navigate parenting as a divorced mother with a young child. If I come off as a bit frustrated, it’s because I am. I’m tired of people complicating my already intricate schedule. So, let’s clear the air a bit.

When I was married and living full-time with my child, I easily arranged a babysitter for a night out. Now that I share parenting time, I choose to spend every moment I can with my child unless it’s a significant event—like a wedding or a funeral. I miss out on gatherings with friends, but I’m perfectly okay with that because I cherish my time with my kid. However, the annoying comments from those who don’t understand my situation can be quite grating.

Most of these remarks come from those without children—who will likely understand one day—and from moms who are lucky enough to be with their kids daily but yearn for a night out. I get it! So, let me share a few pointers to help bridge the understanding gap. Think of this as a modern twist on etiquette for parenting.

1. Stop Suggesting I ‘Just Get a Babysitter’

Unless it’s a major event like a wedding or a death, please don’t ask me to sacrifice precious time with my child so you can enjoy a girls’ night out. Not only do I have to pay for a sitter, but I’m also giving up a rare opportunity to be with my child. Have a little empathy, okay?

2. Don’t Expect Me to Change Weekends with My Ex

Seriously? You want me to juggle my schedule, my child’s, and my ex’s just to accommodate your plans? Think about the impact of that request on multiple lives.

3. Don’t Tell Me I’m ‘Lucky’ to Have a ‘Break’

While I appreciate my alone time and the chance to run errands without a mini-human in tow, it doesn’t mean I consider it a “break.” It’s simply a part of my reality that I’m making the best of.

4. Don’t Be Upset If I Have to Cancel

Life happens, and sometimes I need to prioritize my role as a mother. If I have to bail on plans, it’s not because I’m flaky; it’s because my child comes first.

5. Don’t Ask if My Partner Can Just Handle My Child

My partner is fantastic and has a wonderful bond with my daughter. However, he’s her stepfather, not her father. It’s a unique relationship that we are all still navigating, and it’s not appropriate for you to suggest he take over parenting duties.

Co-parenting can be challenging, and unless you’re in it, it’s tough to fully grasp. I’m grateful for my close friends who understand this and never push these buttons. They respect my situation and never make demands that disrupt my family life.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not a hermit binge-watching Netflix every night (though that happens sometimes). I do enjoy nights out with my partner or friends when my child is with her dad. I don’t expect everyone to conform to my schedule, but I do ask that you think about my situation before you extend an invitation.

The silver lining of shared custody, combined with my Type A personality, is that I usually have my schedule planned out weeks in advance. Last-minute changes happen, but for the most part, I can provide you with my availability if you want me to join in on plans.

Many people overlook these considerations regularly. So, instead of throwing a tantrum when a friend can’t attend your gathering, try to empathize with their situation. The reality is, I would trade every kid-free trip to Target just to have my child with me every day.

For the divorced mother striving to balance everything, it’s essential to understand that she genuinely wants to be there for you. She longs for the chance to dress up, enjoy a night out, and have a little fun. But in the end, her child will always come first.

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Summary:

Navigating the challenges of co-parenting can be daunting, especially when faced with unsympathetic comments from those who haven’t experienced it. Understanding the realities of shared custody can foster empathy among friends and family. Divorced mothers cherish their time with their children and often have to prioritize family over social plans. With a little consideration and understanding, we can create a supportive environment for all parents.