Jan. 12, 2016
I can still vividly recall the moment my high school sweetheart intertwined his fingers with mine for the very first time. We were nestled in a dimly lit movie theater, and the rush of excitement coursed through me like wildfire. As our palms grew warm and slightly clammy, I felt the overwhelming flutter of butterflies take flight in my stomach. At just 15, it was my first taste of a boy’s touch—a defining moment in any young woman’s life that stays etched in memory.
Fast forward to my college years, where I found myself on the dance floor of a bustling bar, tipsy and nursing a broken heart. A stranger’s hand brushed against the small of my back, and though I was numb from the drinks, that fleeting touch left a lasting impression.
Then came the moment I realized I had fallen head over heels for someone special. It was during a kiss shared after we had laid our dreams and fears bare. Instead of parting ways, we discovered a connection that felt electric—a kiss that whisked me away, setting the stage for a beautiful journey ahead.
And then, motherhood arrived—something I had yearned for as long as I could remember. I felt immensely fortunate to share this experience with the man who continually gave me joy. The first moments of skin-to-skin contact with my newborns were nothing short of euphoric. Those initial embraces, the kisses, and the overwhelming love were indescribable.
However, as time passed, the meaning of being “touched” evolved dramatically. It often became overwhelming. Everyone seemed to want a piece of me, and I felt stretched too thin.
After enduring the physical transformation of childbirth, the journey of reclaiming my body felt almost as daunting. I often found myself juggling nursing my baby while trying to maintain intimacy with my husband, and there simply wasn’t enough of me to go around.
I was overwhelmed, and I still am. Finding personal fulfillment felt like an uphill battle, making it difficult to meet everyone’s needs while still craving physical affection. The concept of touch became complex—simultaneously physical and emotional, exhilarating yet exhausting, blissful yet maddening.
Motherhood meant countless late-night breastfeeding sessions and the bittersweet moment of collapsing into bed, only to be roused moments later by a baby seeking comfort. It meant navigating life with a child in one arm and a leaking breast in the other, as my husband playfully grabbed my waist, all while I had to break the news of my impending period. Talk about timing!
It was the moments of tucking my toddler into bed, feeling his small hand gripping mine tightly, or the sweet yet chaotic interlude of him climbing into bed with us, just when we thought we had a moment of privacy. Five minutes of alone time felt like a luxury, and yet, my body yearned for solitude.
Yet, the tender hugs and lingering goodbyes tug at my heartstrings. Holding hands as we walk to school sparks that familiar ache of impending separation. It’s that unmistakable pang of love mixed with concern when I see fear in my child’s eyes, and I must summon all my strength to reassure them.
With my partner, we share glances of pride and realization of how far we’ve come together. “Look at what we’ve built,” we remind each other, time and again. We face the lows together, uncertain if we’ll make it through the day, and celebrate the fleeting highs, grateful for the life we’ve created.
Motherhood is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions—desire and frustration, joy and despair. It’s everything I dreamed of and more, something I never knew I needed. It’s an overwhelming tide of love, a beautiful chaos that sometimes feels too much to handle. But through it all, I know I will never regret being touched in this way, for these moments are fleeting.
In the end, the desire for those touches will linger long after they fade. Even when they let go, I’ll still be holding on to the memories.
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Summary:
This reflection on motherhood captures the intense emotions tied to touch—from the exhilarating moments of first love to the all-consuming nature of parenting. The narrative explores the complexities of physical and emotional connections in motherhood, revealing the joys and struggles that come with it. Ultimately, it highlights that while the experience of motherhood can be overwhelming, the love that accompanies it is profound and enduring.