I had always anticipated this moment, having been advised by others who had navigated similar waters. “They’re going to ask you someday.” “You need to have your story straight.” “Prepare yourself, or you’ll be caught off guard when your kids start asking about the birds and the bees.”
And then, in a dark car ride home after dinner, the inevitable happened: My son and I had an unexpectedly deep conversation. While I’ve mostly recovered from the shock, my friends are still reeling from the advice I ended up giving him.
The evening began casually enough. After a family event, my partner and I decided to treat the kids to dinner at one of our favorite spots (which translates to me enjoying a martini while the kids indulged in fried delights and dessert). We chatted, caught up with friends, and enjoyed the lively atmosphere. I had no inkling that my son was harboring questions that he was determined to address on the way home.
Since we had driven separately, my son chose to ride with me. I should have seen it as a sign, a cue that something was brewing.
As we pulled away from the curb, he suddenly revealed that there was a sexting scandal at school that had him troubled. Yes, my 12-year-old was upset about a sexting incident—twelve years old, mind you, with not a “teen” in sight. Thankfully, he wasn’t directly involved, but he was concerned about the fallout for those affected and the implications of such actions. He pondered what he would do if he received inappropriate texts, who he could confide in, and why kids would engage in such behavior. Heavy stuff for a young mind, and he wanted to discuss it with me while I was behind the wheel, alone.
I won’t sugarcoat it: I felt blindsided, and the deer we passed on the road didn’t look nearly as astonished as I did while processing his queries. But, I decided to keep driving and take the longest route home possible. My tween was opening up to me about sex—who knows when this opportunity would arise again? It felt like a serendipitous moment, whether it was the darkness of the night, the fact that we weren’t making direct eye contact, or simply the stars aligning.
As we transitioned from the sexting topic, he hesitantly said, “I have one more question,” and the tone alerted me to brace myself.
“What is it, buddy?” I asked.
“Well, some boys are talking about this thing that involves blowing. Is it blow work? Like, a job that involves blowing? I don’t get it.”
There I was, in the car, confronted with a specific question about a sex act from my 12-year-old. In a split second, I debated my options: Should I dodge the question? Tell him it’s for adults? Pull over and call my partner for backup? As I gripped the steering wheel, trying not to veer off the road, I made a choice.
I decided to be honest. Just as they would in a sex education class, I laid it out plainly. And suddenly, it was my son wearing the wide-eyed expression.
As the reality of my answer sunk in, I realized these moments with tweens are fleeting. I took it a step further: I explained that a committed relationship is a two-way street. Intimacy should be mutually enjoyable, and it’s never okay for one person to be selfish. If he receives, he should also give—it’s as simple as that. Because no future daughter-in-law of mine will be left wondering why he’s acting selfishly.
Judging by the horrified looks on my friends’ faces as I recounted this story, I realize I might not be in the majority when it comes to discussing these topics openly with my kids. I’ve been accused of endorsing premarital sex and crossing boundaries by explaining specifics to my child. While my friends laughed at the thought of me driving down the street discussing such matters, I stand firm in my approach.
I hope that my honesty will create a safe space for him to return with more questions, seeking solid answers from both his father and me. He trusted me with his concerns, and I felt it was only fair to reciprocate with honesty.
Because, ultimately, if you understand it, you share it.
For more on navigating parenting and intimacy, check out resources like this one or learn about artificial insemination kits for family planning. You can also explore IVF options for further insights on pregnancy and home insemination.