I wouldn’t classify myself as a helicopter parent. In fact, these days, I’ve reached the point where I won’t even stand up to fetch my kids a glass of water (“Head to the bathroom sink! Mommy has some candy to crush!”). My approach to parenting is quite relaxed, and I generally lean towards being an open-minded optimist.
So, it might come as a surprise that we rarely allow our daughters to attend sleepovers. When I say “rarely,” I mean that we permit sleepovers only with a select few people. We have a tight-knit circle of trusted family and friends who have graciously opened their homes to our children for overnight stays. These are individuals we know exceptionally well and who have consistently demonstrated their reliability in caring for our girls. Thus, the only sleepovers we endorse are at their grandparents’ homes.
So far, this hasn’t been an issue, mainly because our children are quite young. However, as my eldest daughter matures, it’s becoming a more pressing matter. Recently, my third-grader excitedly told us that she and her friends, Zoe and Mia, had decided that Zoe would host a sleepover party. I had to explain that since we had never met Zoe’s parents, a sleepover was not an option. She was disappointed but took it in stride, though I noticed her walking away slowly with exaggerated sighs to express her feelings.
Just last week, she approached me with a birthday party invitation, practically begging me to say yes before I even opened the envelope. It turned out to be another sleepover invite from a girl I had never heard of. Once again, I had to explain that while I was fine with dropping her off for the party, I would be picking her up that evening. She was devastated.
Tears flowed as she cried for about half an hour, and I was met with the silent treatment for the rest of the night. My husband supported my decision, which only added to her frustration.
Later that evening, we revisited the sleepover topic. We reaffirmed our stance that we couldn’t allow her to stay over at a house where we had no prior connection. “Our role isn’t to ensure she has fun; it’s to ensure her safety,” he said. “If something were to happen, I don’t want to imagine the consequences.” I agreed, not only because I love my daughter, but also because juggling our household expenses takes two incomes, and I’m pretty sure they don’t cover Netflix at the local jail.
I’m not suggesting my girls will never experience the thrill of waking someone else’s parents at 2 a.m. while watching Grease and debating the meaning of “Greased Lightning.” What I am saying is that, at their current ages (under 13), I’m not confident they can discern between suitable and questionable adult (or teenage) behavior. Until I feel they are equipped to make those judgments, I won’t be comfortable allowing them to sleep at just any friend’s home.
Statistically, I understand that more children are mistreated by relatives than by strangers. I’m not implying that I would blindly leave my kids with just any relative. What I am saying is this: If you’re essentially a stranger to me, even if you have a child the same age as mine, I won’t let you watch my daughter overnight. As with all aspects of parenting, it’s about my comfort level. Right now, I don’t feel at ease allowing my girls to sleep anywhere but in our home or at their grandparents’. My instincts tell me those places are safe, and if my gut feeling can’t agree with my rational thoughts, my answer is no.
Interestingly, when I explained my decision to the parents hosting the sleepover, they were incredibly understanding. “That’s okay! My daughter Brooklyn isn’t comfortable sleeping over at other houses, either. Plus, Sophia’s parents are picking her up too, so she won’t be alone.”
Perhaps in the future, I’ll be able to drop my daughter off for a playdate, and over time, we’ll get to know these parents better. Maybe, in the not-so-distant future, I’ll be comfortable leaving my teenager for her first sleepover. But for now, I’ll take comfort in picking her up after a few hours and tucking her into bed with her sisters to enjoy Grease. If I’m lucky, she’ll be the one explaining the lyrics to her friends.
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Summary
In this article, I discuss our family’s stance on sleepovers for our daughters. While I maintain a relaxed parenting style, I am cautious about allowing my children to spend the night at friends’ houses, particularly when we don’t know the parents. My priority is their safety, which ultimately shapes our decisions regarding sleepovers.