Updated: Jan. 28, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 26, 2023
The nursery looks adorable, the hospital bag is ready, and you’ve signed up for the BabyCenter newsletter. Ah, those newsletters! A weekly infusion of information for parents who already know way too much. But let’s be honest: the ones who truly need guidance at this stage aren’t the fully grown adults with developed brains; it’s the tiny beings who just learned to breathe.
1 Week…
Your parents still manage to wear smiles, but those will soon twist into exhausted expressions when they’re home alone. When guests visit, they’ll feign excitement as they poke at your belly and tell you how much you resemble them.
Overheard: “Your dad said, ‘Look at those cheeks! She’s got my smile!’ Just wait until those cheeks turn into a source of passive-aggressive family debates.” – Aunt Lisa
1 Month…
You’re still figuring out this whole “breathing” thing. Your head, once misshapen from the birthing process, is slowly returning to normal. Strangers—who seem like giants compared to you—will swing you around while singing off-key. Even though you’re probably scared, your parents will scratch their heads, puzzled by your cries, and label you as “colicky.” Hang in there; the rollercoaster has just begun.
Overheard: “Why won’t she stop crying? I don’t get it! Hand me that thermometer. I’ll check her temperature.” – Dad
2 Months…
Enjoy this rare time when you can lie back and watch your mobile dance above you. Soon, your parents will subject you to a pediatrician’s version of torture called “Tummy Time.” Despite the cute name, it’s like being a fish out of water on a blanket, while they scroll through their phones. And just when you think it can’t get worse, they might start giving you gas drops, as if gas isn’t the only thing that brings you joy.
Overheard: “Look! She smiled at me first! It must be because I put her socks on!” – Grandma
6 Months…
Did you know that during peek-a-boo, when your dad’s hands cover his face, he’s really still there? It’s all about “object permanence,” and you’ll be testing it by discovering how to dismantle anything within reach. Keep experimenting! If you’re unsure about something, toss it in your mouth. Maybe it’s food! Your parents call that bland mush “cereal” while munching on donuts. Who knows, that remote might be a candy bar waiting to be discovered.
Overheard: “Yesterday, she chewed on my shoe, and today she tried to bite the dog. Where does this obsession with chewing come from?” – Mom
1 Year…
Congratulations! You’ve completed one full orbit around the sun since your grand entrance into the world. This calls for a celebration. A brightly colored cake will be placed in front of you as everyone sings and stares. Oh, and it’s on fire! After a few moments of panic, your parents will blow it out, and you might just get your first taste of sugary goodness. Get ready for everyone to laugh at your silly reaction; for the rest of your life, they’ll tell you to avoid it.
Overheard: “She’s just staring at it! Quick, let’s shove it in her face! Haha! Look how much she loves it!” – Aunt Karen
2 Years…
The trauma of birth is starting to fade, and you’ll soon recognize your importance as the center of the universe. You deserve all the attention and toys you can get. If anyone dares to cross you, don’t hesitate! Throw yourself on the floor, flail your arms, and make those baby sounds again. It worked wonders before, why not now? Get used to it; life is all about you from here on out.
Overheard: “I totally get it! Let’s have another!” – Mom
For more insights into navigating parenthood, check out this post on intracervical insemination. If you’re curious about home insemination options, Make a Mom has an excellent selection of products. For pregnancy and home insemination resources, Kindbody offers invaluable information.
Summary:
The journey of parenthood begins with laughter, confusion, and a few unexpected moments. From the early days of adjusting to life outside the womb to the toddler years filled with tantrums, this guide provides a humorous take on the milestones every parent and child experiences. It’s a wild ride where every phase brings its challenges and joys, all while you navigate your new role as the world revolves around you.