When I embarked on my journey into motherhood, I felt well-equipped. In my late 20s, I was married, had a degree, and had even started a consulting business that allowed me the flexibility to work from home. My experience with children was extensive; I had babysat, served as a camp counselor, taught Sunday school, and even volunteered with children who had disabilities. By the time I was 22, I had worked with over a thousand kids. I believed my love for children and my experience would make parenting a breeze.
However, nothing prepared me for the unique challenges that came with raising my son, who has special needs. How could he be so different from all those children I had cared for? Surely my background would come in handy, right?
Understanding the Chaos
Consider this scenario: Your 8-year-old, diagnosed with ADHD and autism, is being taken by a babysitter to an after-school activity that he typically dislikes. On the way, the babysitter stops for a bottle of water, and suddenly, your child erupts—screaming, running around the store, and evading the babysitter and two employees for ten minutes until one threatens to call the police.
I remember when my son was just a baby; my late mother told me to trust my instincts and stop reading parenting books. Well, if only those instincts could guide me through moments like this. Welcome to a new style of parenting: “Not Very Intuitive Parenting” (NVIP).
Adapting to New Strategies
In NVIP, you must set aside all preconceived ideas about child-rearing and leave your instincts behind. So, how did I handle that chaotic store incident? First, I calmly sent him to his room for everyone’s safety. Then I connected with a child psychologist to discuss consequences. Next, I prepared a visual schedule of his activities. I’m also exploring social story software while juggling a full-time job and numerous medical appointments for both myself and my child.
In this new parenting paradigm, my ability to communicate non-verbally, such as using “the mom look,” becomes ineffective. My child doesn’t interpret facial expressions the same way others do, so I must clearly express my feelings verbally, even if I might feel like steam is coming out of my ears. What once seemed like common sense—like not bribing children to get them to behave—has transformed into a strategy that works for us. Techniques like applied behavior analysis require tracking various behaviors, which seems daunting, but it’s essential for us.
Understanding the Outside Perspective
If you see me employing NVIP techniques, please understand—I wish I could shout, “This isn’t what it looks like!” There’s a reason I might be comforting my child after what appears to be a typical tantrum or reacting to a difficult situation with a calm “one point.” It may look like I’m overly lenient, but you don’t know the effort he’s putting in or the setbacks he faces.
My approaches are usually based on expert advice, developed through countless assessments and therapies. It might not seem reasonable from the outside, but I assure you, I’ve tried many conventional methods first, and none seemed to work for us.
The Role of Maternal Intuition
That said, I don’t wish to downplay the role of maternal intuition; I can feel when my child is unwell with just a kiss on the forehead. These instincts are vital for protecting him. However, I’ve had to reshape my instincts based on insights from specialists, engaging with online communities, and staying updated with the latest research. More often than not, my decisions are guided by this specialized knowledge rather than instinct alone.
Finding Your Path
If you find yourself feeling lost in this parenting journey, know that it’s completely normal. Raising a child with special needs isn’t as simple as riding a bike; it’s about adapting and learning how to best support your child. And that profound love? That is the most intuitive part of all.
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Summary
Parenting a child with special needs can often feel overwhelming and counterintuitive. Traditional parenting wisdom may not apply, and new strategies must be developed with the support of experts and community resources. While instincts still play a role, they often need to be reshaped to accommodate the unique challenges of special needs parenting.