Now that our kids have reached adulthood, my ex-husband, David, has re-entered the picture. David has always had a unique approach to life—he moves at his own pace. Whether it was earning his MBA or tackling home projects, his efforts often came in bursts of energy, ignited by inspiration or advice from others. Most of the time, he was laid-back, taking life as it came.
I remember a weekend from years ago when David took a couple of the kids to his college friend’s cabin. It was a rare treat for me, as I stayed home with our youngest. Honestly, if I hadn’t been nursing, I suspect he would have tried to take the baby along too. It was a time when he was still a decent partner, making memories with our children.
When David returned, he seemed rejuvenated, full of enthusiasm about family life. I was taken aback—this was a man who typically had the energy of a sedated sloth. Had his friend introduced him to something new? His excitement about being a husband and father was unusual. In hindsight, it was a bit foreboding; who wouldn’t have at least a sprinkle of enthusiasm for life?
One evening, while cleaning the cat litter in our eerie basement, David surprised me by taking over the task. As he worked, he shared insights from his weekend, remarking, “I realized how much you do and that I don’t appreciate you enough.” At that moment, I thought it was the cat litter fumes making me emotional, but it felt good to be recognized. It was a rare acknowledgment; after all, having someone else handle kitty business felt oddly rewarding.
He promised to be more engaged as a father and a husband. For a while, we embraced this newfound commitment, but like many promises, it eventually faded away.
Years later, our children have experienced a fractured relationship with their father. Initially, David insisted the kids live with me full-time when we separated, which I thought stemmed from the challenges of raising four children. However, as time went on, it became clear he was likely avoiding the complexities of parenting alongside his new partner. With divorce, hindsight becomes a constant companion.
In the beginning, he was the ideal divorced dad, sticking to visitation schedules and even taking the kids on vacation. I meticulously marked our shared calendar with “K” for kids and “NK” for no kids. It became the new normal, a bizarre rhythm to our lives post-divorce.
Yet, David only attended two parent-teacher conferences after we separated. While he made it to some games and concerts, often lingering at the back, his presence mattered to the kids. They recognize when someone is genuinely trying to be part of their lives and when they’re not.
For some kids, the absence of a father figure manifests in questions like, “Where’s Dad?” or “Why didn’t he come to the game?” Others remain silent, but their feelings of abandonment simmer beneath the surface, eventually surfacing as mood swings or withdrawal. Watching my children grapple with their father’s distance has been the hardest part of this journey. The pain of their loss is something I can only imagine.
I often worry about the casual way David drifts in and out of their lives. I fear for my sons growing up thinking family can be discarded like trash, and I worry about my daughter developing “daddy issues.” It’s a concern that lingers in the back of my mind.
In a humorous twist, I’m reminded of a funny song by Andy Samberg titled “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions.” It highlights how some people create chaos and then simply walk away. David did just that—he ignited a family life and left when things got tough. Even during his parenting time, I found myself managing the daily chaos alone, from the mundane to the monumental.
Though the challenges were immense, I persevered. Now, as the kids transition into adulthood, it seems like the perfect time for David to re-engage. One of our children is beginning to rebuild a relationship with him, and I find joy in that. Despite my frustrations, I remind myself that it’s better late than never.
Yes, it feels unfair. I spent countless nights exhausted after caring for our children alone, but I now see that any involvement from David is better than none. It’s a bittersweet reality, but it’s a step forward.
To sum it up, while navigating post-divorce parenting has been challenging, seeing David attempt to reconnect, even late in the game, reminds me that it’s never too late to be part of someone’s life.
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