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Parenting
Motherhood Is Not a Competition
by Clara Jenkins
Updated: June 21, 2016
Originally Published: March 7, 2016
“Are you a stay-at-home mom?” my inquisitive 11-year-old niece, Lily, asked me one day. Taken aback by her question, I replied with a mix of surprise and skepticism, “Why? What difference does it make? Yes.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful,” she responded wistfully, her eyes shining with dreams of a life filled with leisure and comfort.
Next to me was her mother, my sister-in-law, Jessica, who had driven us to the mall earlier that day for a delightful afternoon celebrating my daughter’s birthday. As we rode home, surrounded by the delightful chaos of five energetic kids in the backseat, the inquiry lingered in the air, making us both a tad uncomfortable—much like asking someone when they’re due only to realize they’re not pregnant.
Before I could respond to Lily’s romantic view of stay-at-home motherhood, Jessica chimed in, “Well, it’s not always easy.” While I appreciated her acknowledgment of the challenges I’ve faced over the past nine years, I secretly wished I could take Lily’s face in my hands and declare, “Yes! It’s amazing!” Now that two of my children are in full-time school and my youngest attends preschool twice a week, I relish five beautiful hours each week just for myself. True, I might spend this time meal prepping or organizing laundry, but it’s still my time!
Beyond my role as a mother, there are other perks. I enjoy uninterrupted sleep, shower when I please, engage in music practice, read, write, clean if necessary, sing in a band, visit the library, watch movies before school pick-up, and experiment with new recipes (even if my kids turn their noses up at them). It’s the adult life I always envisioned.
As I navigate through the foggy remnants of sleepless nights, diaper changes, and toddler tantrums, I’m starting to see a clear path ahead. Yet, I hesitate to admit it, fearing that Jessica might judge me. She has successfully balanced motherhood and a career, and I admire her talent and dedication to providing for her family. The ongoing debates of stay-at-home moms versus working moms often cross my mind, and I cringe at the animosity women sometimes direct at one another in online comment sections, each proclaiming, “This is the right way to mother!” or “No, THIS is the right way!”
I explained to Lily that after college, I envisioned having children first and then figuring out my career once they were in school. Now that my youngest will soon be in full-time kindergarten, I have exciting plans for a career that emerged from my experiences as a mother. I wouldn’t have discovered my professional path without first embracing motherhood—that’s just how it unfolded for me.
As I voiced these thoughts, I realized how similar Jessica and I truly are. In that car ride, we weren’t competing against each other; instead, we were side by side. Our goals for the day were aligned: spoiling our kids with stuffed animals, enjoying food court treats, riding the merry-go-round, buckling them into their seats, and tucking them into bed—hoping for a little time to ourselves afterward.
While I used to fret over the debate of who was “right”—the stay-at-home mom or the working mom, I learned something valuable on that drive home: we’re not in a race to determine who is the better parent. We’re all passengers in this journey, collaborating to guide our children toward their destination, ready to lend a hand when someone needs support, and respecting each other’s choices, even if they differ from our own. I’m not racing against you; if you want to pick up on Tuesday and I’ll handle Thursday, I’m totally on board.
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Summary
Motherhood is not a competition but a shared journey among parents aiming to nurture their children. The experiences of stay-at-home moms and working moms can coexist without rivalry. Each parent has unique paths and challenges, and collaboration and support are vital in this collective journey.