“I don’t mind whether it’s a boy or a girl.”
We’ve all encountered this phrase. Perhaps we’ve even said it ourselves. Some expectant parents genuinely feel indifferent about their baby’s gender, finding joy in the mere fact of a healthy child. However, for many of us, this nonchalant attitude towards gender can feel disingenuous.
Before I became pregnant, I convinced myself that I didn’t have a preference regarding my baby’s gender. I understood that I should be grateful for a healthy pregnancy, and as the date of our 20-week ultrasound approached, I repeated to myself that I didn’t care—yet, deep down, I really did want a daughter.
When we learned our baby was a boy, a whirlwind of emotions swept over me. I was thankful for his health and thrilled to be starting this journey of motherhood. Although I didn’t feel the profound maternal love I experience now, there was affection for my little one. But alongside that joy was an uncomfortable hint of something else.
As we walked down the corridor after the appointment, my partner couldn’t contain his excitement, doing a little dance and exclaiming, “A boy! A boy!” His joy was genuine and infectious. Yet, I found myself questioning why I couldn’t share in that same enthusiasm. Why did I feel a tinge of disappointment?
Let me clarify: I was absolutely grateful to be pregnant and relieved to hear my son was healthy. I recognized that gender identity is complex and individual. I understood that I could love a son just as much as a daughter. But what often goes unspoken is that experiencing gender disappointment is entirely normal. It is okay to have a desire for one gender over the other. You are not a bad person; you are simply navigating complex emotions.
I know many women who have shed tears upon discovering they were having a boy. I’ve heard fathers express concerns about raising daughters, while some mothers dread the thought of parenting a daughter due to their own past experiences. Conversely, there are fathers who feel a sense of relief at learning they will have a daughter, escaping the pressures they associate with raising a son. Each parent has their own reasons—sometimes inexplicable—for preferring one gender.
Do these feelings make logical sense? Not at all. But emotions aren’t always rational.
Does experiencing gender disappointment mean that one cannot love their child? Absolutely not. Love transcends gender.
Can someone be a devoted, nurturing parent while grappling with confusing emotions? Certainly.
Every parent carries their unique set of hopes and fears from the moment they see those two lines on a pregnancy test or decide to embark on the journey of parenthood. These feelings are influenced by childhood experiences, societal expectations, and individual traits. They can be burdensome, and often, they defy logic.
Personally, I nurtured the hope of having a daughter—not just for the whimsical tea parties and twirling skirts, but for the meaningful experiences we could share. Although these experiences can happen with any child, they often resonate more profoundly with a child of the same gender. I envisioned guiding her through adolescence and sharing the joys and challenges of womanhood, and one day possibly bonding over motherhood.
Yet, I also harbored numerous fears. I questioned whether I would relate to my son, worried he might feel societal pressure to conform to traditional masculine ideals, and feared that bonding with a son would be more difficult than with a daughter.
Did any of this rationale hold up? Nope. Was it logical? Certainly not. But was it completely normal? Absolutely.
Over time, I adjusted to the idea of having a son. I have since embraced my role as a mother to two wonderful boys, accepting that there are countless ways to love and nurture a child regardless of gender.
Ultimately, there isn’t a single right way to be a perfect parent; rather, there are myriad ways to be a good one. Feelings surrounding the discovery of your baby’s gender may vary widely, but when it comes to love, there are endless possibilities.
If you’re interested in learning more about navigating this journey, check out one of our other blog posts at Intracervical Insemination. For an excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Johns Hopkins Fertility Center. Additionally, for further insights into home insemination kits, Make a Mom is a trusted source.
In summary, wanting a specific gender for your child is a natural feeling, even if it’s not always expressed. Emotions surrounding parenthood can be complex, but they don’t diminish the love and joy that comes with welcoming a new life.