Recently, my marriage experienced a blissful phase where I felt like I was in that “newlywed” bliss with my husband. We were in perfect harmony as parents, finishing each other’s thoughts, and looking like the couple everyone else admired on social media. But just like that, things took a turn. We found ourselves in a colossal argument—one that felt like it belonged on reality TV or in a soap opera, minus the dramatic drink-throwing (we wouldn’t waste good wine or beer).
The aftermath of the fight was draining. We talked and raised our voices (okay, I raised mine; he just looked pained and nearly walked away), and we didn’t resolve much. I was left feeling defeated, exhausted, and angry. I felt like I had been cheated out of the fairy tale. Where was my Prince Charming? Why wasn’t my marriage as perfect as those I saw on social media, with couples gazing into each other’s eyes or embracing on a beach while dolphins frolicked in the background?
That night, I reached out to a friend, unsure of what I expected from her—perhaps not much. It seemed like no one I knew openly discussed the challenges of marriage, even those who raised me. Conversations around marriage, like finances and other sensitive topics, felt taboo. Sure, we joked about how our husbands drove us crazy or how they forgot to do the dishes, but we never delved into the deeper issues. Acknowledging problems in marriage felt like admitting defeat.
As I recounted the details of the fight to my friend, she listened attentively, asked questions, and offered understanding. I felt guilty for sharing my troubles, fearing she would see my marriage as a failure. To my surprise, she revealed that her marriage wasn’t picture-perfect either. She talked about the hard work it took to maintain their relationship and shared her own struggles.
“I had no idea,” I said, astonished. “I thought we were the only ones.”
“No, I think most couples have to put in effort,” she replied.
This conversation made me reflect on why we rarely discuss the realities of marriage, opting instead to joke or boast. We openly acknowledge the struggles of parenting, but why not the challenges of marriage? Knowing that even seemingly strong marriages face difficulties comforted me. It’s time to normalize conversations around the hardships of marriage. When you combine two lives with finances, children, careers, and aging, it’s no wonder conflicts arise. We need to open up to one another and stop pretending everything is perfect because that only harms our relationships.
I grew up believing in the fairy tale of love—Prince Charming, everlasting romance, a beautiful white wedding leading to an inevitable happily-ever-after. I loved that dream, but it simply isn’t reality. What no one told me was that marriage requires a tremendous amount of work—hard, often grueling work. It’s not for the faint-hearted or the easily discouraged. There are moments of deep love and joy, but there are also times filled with sadness and frustration.
I wish someone had prepared me for this truth. Yet, there really is no way to fully prepare. You meet your prince, you marry, you build a life together, and then you discover that the white dress represented just the beginning of a journey that won’t always be idyllic. If our parents had been honest about the difficulties of parenting and marriage, the human race might not have persisted!
Now, I understand that marriage encompasses both highs and lows. I have navigated the ups and downs and will continue to do so. However, I am no longer hesitant to share my experiences. My marriage is a work in progress, just like my writing, my children, and my attempts at growing older gracefully. It may not always be Instagram-worthy, but if you ask me, I will be truthful because I refuse to keep up the facade anymore. My marriage is challenging but also rewarding. I’m okay with that, and I’m okay with your marriage too—the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you need to chat about marriage or any of life’s other demanding challenges, I’m here for you—no judgment involved.
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Summary
Marriage isn’t always the fairy tale we envision; it requires significant work and dedication. Many couples face challenges, and it’s essential to discuss these openly. Sharing experiences can help alleviate feelings of isolation and frustration. Acknowledging the ups and downs of marriage allows for a more realistic view of relationships, encouraging support and understanding among partners.