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Oh, sure! I’m currently dealing with postpartum recovery, and my breasts are leaking like a faucet. What a perfect time for a visit! What’s that? We haven’t connected in months? Not an issue at all. Just come on over, and while you’re at it, go ahead and expose my newborn to the latest germs. Of course, you need to inhale that irresistible baby scent!
Honestly, how many new moms genuinely want to entertain visitors right after giving birth? Who even came up with the idea that “Oh, Emma just had a baby! I should rush over!” is a good thought? After the arrival of my fourth child, I was still bombarded with surprise visits and text messages asking to see the baby. I had hoped we’d moved beyond this by now. Haven’t we all read enough about how to support postpartum women? Do we not understand the immense changes the postpartum body undergoes?
Don’t misunderstand me; there are numerous ways to support a new mom. Most of them involve the word “delivery”—think pizza delivery, Thai food delivery, or pretty-much-anything-edible delivery. With three other little ones to care for, those meals were a lifesaver. I appreciated all the congratulatory messages and supportive posts on social media.
Yet, I found myself grappling with how to respond to requests for baby visits. Some parents may genuinely want to share their newborn joy, while others might need someone to hold the baby so they can take a moment for themselves. I completely support help that is genuinely helpful—from visitors that are wanted. However, many moms don’t realize they’re not obligated to entertain guests. It took me four kids to finally recognize that I didn’t have to play hostess. That old “let me hold the baby” line from certain relatives can sting just as much as postpartum recovery itself.
Two significant experiences helped me reclaim my time with my newest little one: my doula training and a health issue I faced. In my doula training, I learned how to advocate for new mothers and the importance of bonding time for mom and baby. While attending births, I witnessed how uninvited guests could stress out new parents. Those mother-baby pairs, who were doing just fine, often became overwhelmed by visitors, which could lead to feeding struggles and upset babies who were suddenly surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Sure, sometimes you need to hand off a crying baby for a moment of rest, but many do so simply out of fear of offending someone.
Around the time my third child turned one, I developed postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, which at its worst left me bedridden. I learned quickly how to safeguard my energy and emotional well-being for the sake of my family. With my health on the line, I became adept at saying “no.” People-pleasing became clear as a distraction, revealing that every “yes” to something unwelcome was a “no” to what I truly wanted.
Armed with newfound self-care skills and a commitment to precious bonding time, I wanted to relish every moment with my newborn. Those postpartum days with my partner were essential, and I was determined not to let anything disrupt that special time.
Postpartum is a whirlwind. Unless it’s your first go-around, you never know what challenges may crop up. While some hardships are inevitable, there’s a lot of joy to be found too. I had already watched my first three children grow, and I was eager to savor every moment with my newest addition. So yes, I was determined to protect those fleeting newborn days.
When faced with visitors I wasn’t ready for (many of whom were dear friends who later expressed how proud they were of me for asserting my needs), I used a simple response:
“Thank you for thinking of us! I’ve been focusing on resting and what’s best for Baby and me. Right now, visitors feel a bit disruptive. Can we plan for another time?”
Do yourself a favor: remove people-pleasing from your postpartum to-do list. For additional insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource. If you’re looking to enhance fertility, visit Make a Mom for expert advice. And to learn more about the importance of respecting new mothers, take a look at the terms of service on our other blog post.
Summary
Postpartum life is a unique and challenging experience, and new mothers need time and space to bond with their babies. Learning to say no to unwanted visitors can be crucial for self-care. With support in the form of meal deliveries and the understanding of friends, mothers can focus on their recovery and the joy of nurturing their newborns. It’s important to prioritize personal needs over societal expectations during this transformative time.